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Yesterday's Gone

"A Friend of the Devil is a Friend of Mine"

Cassia Scarborough

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October 3rd, 2009

I got my photo ID today.  It has a picture of my pre-backcountry self.  Long red hair, pale skin, plucked eyebrows and plastic smile.  Now, well, just look at my facebook and myspace photos.  Maybe I'm not that tan, but my skin is as dark as it can possibly get from hours of laying naked on slick rock and swimming in iced water and sliding down waterfalls, yes, sliding down them.  Better than a waterpark. 

In a nutshell, in case I haven't been able to talk to you one on one and in person and all and you are curious, yes, the backcountry was amazing.  Anyone who feels like climbing a peak with me or going bouldering or swimming or biking or hiking or camping or backpacking or bear chasing or generally MOVING should hit me up.  Now that I am healthy and in shape, all those activities are much more appealing.  The summer was full of drama, and new friends, and challenges and chopping wood and swinging double jacks and letters.  I taught a salsa class and made anklets and learned to cook.  I started out my season not knowing how to carry a rake, and by the end I got 5's and 4's on my evaluations, which is equivalent to A's and B's.  

I would like to type up a detailed adventure story here, but I really shouldn't be typing at all. The backcountry saved me, helped me to get over my fears (of being single, of being cold, of getting sick, of trying my best, of failure) and it gave me reason to wake up each morning.  The apathy that I had felt before leaving, that had scared me so much, is gone now.  Men, flings, relationships and the like are no longer the keystone of my life.  Basically, I'm back to myself again, the self I lost about two years ago.  But... it did come at a price.  I suffered from tendenitis all season, fought every day to stay, fought doctors who said I should not stay, fought supervisers who said I should not stay, fought my own insecurities and fought the pain that was like burning metal up and down my arms every time I picked up a double jack or rolled a rock or lopped brush.  And I am glad, because by finishing the season I gave myself a chance at a better life.

Buut, tendenitis turned into what could be carpol tunnel.  I'll have to see a doctor about it next week.  i've been on pain killers every day for five months and I know that can't be freakin healthy. So cross your fingers for me, I may have just traded my wrists for some clarity.

I think I have chosen the place that I want to learn how to fly at, a school in the Portland area with a friendly instructer and some kick ass small planes.  I have half the cash I need for my first certification, I'm learning to drive, looking into cars and getting the hell outta dodge as soon as I can.  No offense California, but I don't need to be constantly reminded of my mistakes.  Long term plan: Charter pilot in Alaska, possibly bartending on the side.  Freelance writing when I can manage it.

This is my last update for awhile, call me if you want details,

Love and fire,

cassia.

April 18th, 2009

She's Gone

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Cassiopia Hardesty
California Conservation Corps
PO Box 515
Yosemite National Park, CA
95389

I'm gone until late September, if you wanna write to me, I would LOVE to hear from you!!!



A few last things to note before I go to bed and get ready to have another adventure.

* I've been sick for at least a week, everything from fevers to sore throats to chest colds and head colds and head aches and twisted ankles.  One drug after another plus Renna's amazing loving care have conspired to make me almost well but I'll be starting my season in the CCC with no preconditioning physically and a low immune system.  Whoo hoo. Also, I have blisters on my feet and I barely finished packing my bag, I haven't ever tried pitching my tent and half the laundry I'm bringing could use a wash.  Wish me luck, I'm goanna need it.

* I saw Cameron tonight and got to say goodbye.  I'm just glad I didn't cry.  Hearing the word "ex-girlfriend" come out of his mouth was a lot more painful than I expected it was goanna be.  But I knew what I'd signed up for, and if I didn't try crazy things like going to Yosemite for five months then I wouldn't be worth my own esteem, let alone a man's.

* I love everyone who's been so supportive this whole time, with huge hugs going out to Adam, Renna, Faye, Kay, Derek, Cam and my family who have had to bear the brunt of my insanity this last month and who have been there for me when I needed someone to rant to, dance with, kiss, laugh with, or make me see when I was being insane.

talk to you in five months,

love and fire,

cassia

April 9th, 2009

Like A Bird

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You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is


It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

April 4th, 2009

Long Way Around

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I walked across the bridge railing today. (see entry: selvaluna.livejournal.com/64248.html ) Admitted, I had Derek's help, but I still did it. We were walking back from Cam's house after an hour or so of them both tickling the hell out of me. We cut through Neary Lagoon and the bridge arched red rust over the swampy water.  I handed Derek my bag and climbed up and held out my hand. He helped me balance as I gingerly tip toed. My eyes couldn't decide if they wanted to focus on the water, the cement, my shoes, and vertigo nearly made me tip over. On the other bank, I swore that next time I'd attempt the crossing alone.

Thank god for friends like Derek and Renna, I don't know how I stumbled onto people like them. Good people, genuinely fun, kind, honest, smart people. I can laugh so easily with them, and I never feel like I have to prove myself or apologize for myself. They're the kind of people I would be proud to know forever.

Speaking of Renna, she spent the night! I was in town hanging out with Derek and Jacobi when I get a phone call from her telling me that she's goanna be in Santa Cruz and a little later, there she is, looking like she'd never left only somehow more grown up. And we have all the same memories and we have the same jokes and we've read the same books and we know the same gossip and we enjoy the same things and I hadn't realized how much I had missed her. At my house we made tea and sat on my kitchen floor with the oven open so that heat came out and we dug the fudge out of two cartons of ice cream and gossiped and laughed. We talked about travel and school and men and everyone we knew and everyone we knew who knew people we knew and how much everything had changed in the two and a half years since life got complicated.

"It's been two long years now, since the top of the world came crashing down
but I've always found my way somehow, by taking the long way, taking the long way around.

I fought with a stranger and I met myself, I opened my mouth and I heard myself,
Well it can get pretty lonely when you show yourself, guess I coulda made it easier on myself,

Well I never seemed to do it like anybody else, maybe someday, someday I'm goanna settle down,
if you ever wanna find me I can still be found, takin the long way around..."

--- Dixie Chicks


The next day we hitched into town and got coffee and croissants and looked at notebooks and sat on a sunny bench patterned with shadows from leaves until we had to hug goodbye.

Oh the FIASCO yesterday with my finger printing. I went to and from Cabrillo THREE TIMES. I had really wanted to go climbing with Jason but no, my whole afternoon was eaten up by buses and paperwork. The police at the Sheriff's office were joking about wanting to drink some beer they had confiscated the other night while they took my prints. I thought about all those late nights at technically closed beaches with a case of alcoholic this or that and shook my head. At them, and myself.

I love it when Cameron leans his head on me. There's something so, not adorable, that's the only word I can think of right now though, about a man who is so god damned stubborn and proud laying in my lap with his black hair all tously, it makes me melt. And he pulled me to him today when I was in his kitchen, leaning against a counter. It made me unreasonably happy, silly, it was such a little thing, you know? It's all those little things that stick in my mind with him though.


Love and Fire,

cassia

April 2nd, 2009

rough draft still, mostly just trying to get the events in order.  Give me feedback?

Read more... )

April 1st, 2009

Focused.

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April 2: Measure for Boots, buy gear at REI, e-mail size to people. 
April 3: Get Student ID at Cabrillo, Get Live Scan, FAX or mail results to CCC 
April 4: Drop Cabrillo Class... you should have done this sooner...
April 7: Stay with friend in SC so you don't miss appt next morning
April 8: Doctor's appointment, fax forms to CCC  --use russell's fax machine
April 19:  Greyhound to Auburn by 7:00pm

THINGS I NEED WITH WHAT I NOW HAVE CROSSED OFF::

Sleeping Bag
Backpack
Boots
Tevas
Water Bottles
Razor
Daypack
Knife
ID
Health Cards
Tent
Sleeping Pad
Flashlight
Batteries
Alarm Clock
Paper/Pens/Stamps/Envelopes
Needle/thread
Sunscreen
Toothbrush/paste
Towel
Brush
Socks
Underwear
Flannel Shirt
Fleece Sweater
T-Shirts
Fleece Jacket
Shorts
Swim suit
Poi
Runes or Cards
Silver Dollar, Austrailian Penny, Frank, Ruppee
Lipgloss

Handmirror



FUCK I AM SO FUCKING STRESSED. FUCK.

Alright, so I will now just take a nice deep breath in, deep breath out.   The lack of ID is fucking me over so much right now though, I wouldn't be having any problems if I had just gone and gotten a new ID months ago when my passport was snatched.  Cest La Vie.

love and fire

cassia

March 26th, 2009

Dragon in the Jungle

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Cassia's NanoNovel, First Five Chapters.

The Dragon in the Storm
The Fires in the Jungle
The Peacock in the Library
The Fever in the Garden
The Meeting in the Night

All comments and critique appreciated.


Read It Here! )

March 25th, 2009

CCC Crunch Time

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TO DO:::

- DMV tomorrow
- Alive Scan ASAP
- Phsyical April 8th
- Boots Tomorrow
- REI Tomorrow?
- Social Security Card (find it!!!)
- Workout  (AHHHHHHHHH)
- Withdraw from Cabrillo (... now...)
- Get rid of stuff in room (tonight)
- Hair cut (Ask Kei)
- Planned Parenthood (ew.  again.  LAAME.)
Bring:
--- Knife (get new folding one)
--- Poi ( make some)
--- Journal (new weather resistant)
--- Pens
--- Colored Pencils
--- Sharpener
--- Cup, spoon
--- Handmirror
--- Beanie
--- Sunscreen
--- Zippo
--- Health Cards, PP card, ID, etc
--- Tevas
--- Toothbrush, paste, lightweight towel
--- Hairbrush
--- Tarot Cards OR Runes
--- One necklace, pick wisely
--- Rings... get those from Cam...
--- clothes (the obvious)
--- Sleeping bag
--- Back pack, yellow one?
--- Tent
--- Kill me.. AHHHHH 
WORK. OUT. MORE. X_X

love and fire

cassia



March 23rd, 2009

Headlights and Hitchhiking

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It was dark. My eyes glued themselves to headlights and fell into oblivion when the tail lights turned a corner.  A mile of twisted road from home and six from cell phone reception.  I could have jogged the distance in either direction if only I had had some light.  But what spilled from the LCD screen everytime I punched ENTER on my phone wasn't enough to attract a moth.  I imagined every half drunk red neck man I'd served coffee to at Mountain Roasting behind the wheel of every explosion bright car that careened past and I told myself not to cry.

My body was panicking, it was too dark and the light was too loud, sudden, dangerous, then gone.  And I was alone and the only people who knew where I should have been were asleep and it was grave quiet and it was dark.

My mind was amped though.  I stood at the base of a hill where two roads forked.  I imagined that if I followed the first up the hill high enough, I may have been able to find reception and make a call.  But along that road my blind eyes saw all manner of horrors:  stray dogs or guard dogs or dogs with jaws that drizzled saliva and dogs that dragged broken chains.  Men peering from windows with guns or beer bottles or bad intentions.  Cars that didn't brake in time. Oh, what you can see when you cannot see!!

Now the other road wound down to the park near where I lived.  God, that park, with its solitary street lamp and the dented Coca Cola machine, it was my mecca, my haven. But the drunk red necks would run over a shadow without noticing the bump, and if I took off my sweatshirt so that my yellow top was visible, I'd freeze or worse, tempt with a better view of my figure.   It was nearly midnight.

I waved my arms at one car.  Then, deciding that desperation could only attract psychopaths, the next car I wiggled a thumb at, the next I smiled at, the next I screamed at.  Between cars I would hunch over my cell phone and sob then take a breath then think of my tattoo and mutter my spirit guides names and talk to myself.  Calm down, panic kills, don't give into it, take a deep breath, don't cry, it's not that dark, you're almost home.

And I was in that place again, where there's a meaning to life.

The next car I jumped up and down and I smiled and frowned and stuck out a thumb and put my hands together and almost screamed again.  It slowed.  It was a woman.  The car was warm and bright and the radio was on.  The woman's name was Jen.  I sank into the passenger seat and hugged my knees and she rolled up her window and said, "Hi."

I loved Jen more than any other human being on earth at that moment.

"I saw you there and I had to stop, I was like, young girl flagging me down on the side of the road?  Honey, I couldn't let the men up here get you, I would have turned around!  There are some creeps out here, and it's so late!  You look frozen!"

I got out of Jen's car at the bottom of my road, at the bus stop where a single street lamp draws a circle of protection around itself.  I cried because the ghosts you meet when you are alone are more dangerous than any reality this world can throw at you.  I hate my mind.  And when I walked up to my house and my little dog greeted me, I admitted that there is something beautiful about the mundane.

Although, I am never suicidal when I'm up against death.

love and fire,

cassia

March 22nd, 2009

Eyes Don't Match

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If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he marries her, then she starts
Doin' the things that will break his heart

But if you make an ugly woman your wife
You'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks your meals on time
An she'll always give you peace of mind

Don't let your friends say you have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly and her eyes don't match
Take it from me, she's a better catch

March 21st, 2009



Life is change. Death is dwelling on the past or staying in one place too long. - Mermaids, 1990

I think Renna would adore this movie. I'm goanna call and tell her about it tomorrow.

And yes, that Mother in the movie was dysfunctional and she ran away from her problems, but oh my god I identified with her SO MUCH. After a bad break up, she's taking a bubble bath and she pulls out her road map and closes her eyes and puts her finger down and the next scene is the family in a car driving across the country to that place. I watched that and I was like, YES! Not healthy, but oh my god I understood and loved and envied.

And that above quote is my new slogan. Along with, "Act your age, not your shoe size."

After the movie, I put on music and lifted weights and did a few crunches and stretched. I'll do a few more before I go to bed. The woman in the mirror, dancing to the music, lifting weights, leaving for an adventure in a couple weeks, a new tattoo on one arm, she's someone I can recognize.

I'm leaving!!!!

I'm. Leaving.

My grandfather and I have many things in common. Our taste in hats, our dislike of most of the groceries mum purchases, our disdain for most people, our disdain for normal employment. And you know what, one of the smartest things I have ever heard him say is, "Don't worry." I am not going to worry about whether someone will be true or not, or whether I'll get depressed or if things will change or whatever. I am happiest when I am in that state of concentration I get crossing a log over a river or laying under the tattoo needle or racing against time or the sun or a storm with a heavy backpack. That concentration when I know it's hard, but I have to see it through and I will finish it. I don't worry if I will, I know I will, because I've decided I will.

I'm not worrying anymore, I'm willing.

When I got my tattoo, I got it even though the design was not done, the parlors were booked or closed most everywhere, it was late in the day, I had no way to get money out of the bank and didn't have a debit card, I had no ID and I looked like I was sixteen and the only place that would do it was the same one that tattooed my sister whose ID I was going to attempt to use in lieu of my own. I decided I would get a tattoo that day and I got it. From now on, that is how I am living my life.

love and fire

cassia

March 19th, 2009

All You Need Is

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What Cassia Wants:

* Her ankle to feel better
* More tattoos
* A smoothie
* To go pool hopping
* A new bikini
* Flowers to set on her windowsill
* You to call her
* Her last pay check
* To finish her second draft of her second book

What Cassia Needs To Do:

* E-mail her writing group people
* Send Ethan's letter
* Deposit cash
* Write
* Work out
* Make smoothie
* Sleep
* Tidy room
* Read
* More ear peircings.  Maybe that's a want more than a need....

Is Cassia Happy Even Though Yesterday Sucked?

* Yes.

love and fire,

cassia

March 13th, 2009

ACCEPTED!!!

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It's Official:  CASSIA HAS BEEN ACCEPTED INTO THE CCC!

(we all knew she'd get in all along, didn't we?)

My group leaves April 19th and will be stationed in Yosemite.

When I got the call I was in the back of the cafe and I jumped up and down and squealed and the customer who was watching me laughed and gave me a two dollar tip.

Later today, it sunk in.  The CCC.  Oh shit, I actually have to go.  That would mean leaving Cameron.  It took me two years of looking and messed up relationships to find a man who is as amazing as Harper had been.  I ruined my chances with Harper because I made rash choices and because I didn' know how good I had it.  Is the CCC worth forsaking what I am starting to have with Cam?  THIS SUCKS.  I wish the program was for one month, or that I'd known Cam longer or that I didn't have to decide this weekend.  

But hey, life is an adventure at least.  And if I do leave, then my track record of never holding a job more than four months will stay intact!  

love and fire,

cassia

ps.

"The saddest sight my eyes can see
is that big ball of fire sinking slyly down the trees
siting in a broken circle while you rest upon my knee
this perfect moment will soon be leaving me.
susan calls from boston the coffee's hot the corn is high
that same sun that warms your heart will suck this good earth dry
with everything its opposite's enough to keep you cryin
or keep this whole world spinnin with a twinkle in its eye
So get out the map, get out the map,
and lay your finger anywhere down
we'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone
I'm goanna clear my head
I'm goanna drink that sun
I'm goanna love you good and strong
while our love is good and young."

"I'll be your
gypsy girl
take my hand around the world
kiss me once
kiss me twice
kiss me only for one night
when you do
then you'll know
there's only one real gypsy girl."

"The road is never ending
my compass point is bending
and I don't know what's in store
just reality I tried so to ignore
I can't see beyond the door
but I have to push on through, push on through."

"The road goes ever ever on
down from the place where it began
and I must follow if I can
pursuing it with weary feet
until it joins some larger way
where many paths and errands meet
and wither then I cannot say."

March 6th, 2009

"Quality" Coffee

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Working in a coffee shop gives one plenty of time for introspection, the zen of washing dishes and waiting for bagels to toast is enough to make me feel almost enlightened.  Anyway...  the livejournal friends list got a taste of my madness in my last entry, that is the product of hours of having nothing to do but contemplate.  Overall, the conclusion I've reached is this:  I need to be amazing again.  That self confidence comes and goes and when it goes I push everyone away and I'm passive agressive and needy and not cool.  So before I fall any further into that space... I'm goanna go get dressed to go salsa dancing.

Oh, and a woman came in today and asked for me specifically to make her mocha because of the way I sprinkle chocolate dust over the whipped cream.  Thank you, thank you very much.  Another woman gagged when she tried our air pot coffee and went on for ten minutes that it tasted like water.  Well... yah... it does... what did you expect, quality?

OH! And you should all look at my new livejournal layout. Right now.  Leave your friend's page or facebook and go to my livejournal and look.  It is AWESOME.

love and fire

cassia

March 5th, 2009

Kay is Awesome/Emo Rant

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Thank you Kay for being there for me.  I was sitting on that bus crying and making the man next to me feel hella awkward and I needed someone to talk to so bad and you were perfect. 

I was so tired.  Tired in that way where you look around and you just cannot see any reason to keep moving.  It's all dark and everything falls apart and nothing good will ever last and why not end it now but how to do it so that it won't be messy?  Now, Kay didn't know that I was this depressed when I called, oh man that would have made my awkward man DIE if I had started to go into that.  But I was afraid to be alone right then and I didn't know who else to call because it was so late and I had already called Faye earlier tonight to talk to her about other fun stuff.  And Renna has enough to worry about.  And Julia only has a home phone.  And Cam was with friends and honestly he doesn't need to deal with me when I'm in this state.  And Nate was working and Theo is Theo and Ethan's in a different time zone and when you go through my phone list you realize that if Kay had not picked up I probably would have been forced to talk to the man next to me because otherwise I would have been afraid of how tired of life I was.

Seriously Kay, THANK YOU FOR PICKING UP YOUR PHONE.

I hate falling asleep alone when I feel this way.  Why do I have to work for so many days in a row?  If I feel like this tomorrow FUCK IT I'll bus to work I cannot spend another night alone in this bed.  The rain is lovely and I lit a candle for my spirit guides and my new story is goin great and class was fun and Antonio is super fun to talk to when I should be paying my teacher attention, but I just do not want to be alone.  It's fucking scary to be alone right now.  God, I hope I don't feel this way tomorrow.  But if I do I'll call Nate or someone with a couch and crash there because there is no reason that I should have to curl up and be emo when I know so many people with yummy floors, couches and spare beds.  Hint.hint.hint.

cassia.

March 2nd, 2009

Bridge

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When she dies white wings won't fly her all the way to Jesus
Her soul will lay and move with the waves
Well the devil told me all his secrets
And if we were walkin through a crowd
well you'd know I'd be proud if you'd call my name out loud---

--- I wish my playlist would stop skipping like this.

I climbed up to the second rung of a bridge to better see the pond birds and sunset water.  Cam climbed one higher and I tried to push him over (obviously.)  Looking back, I realize that the woman who I want to be would have stepped onto the top and tightrope walked across the bridge and risked fallin into the probably freezing slush below.  Next time, I'll do that.  And there will be a next time, I walk that path way too often.  Still not the person I want to be, but I'm two steps above the ground and that, dear reader, is better.  The view sparkles more up here.

love and fire

cassia

February 22nd, 2009

Prologue: The Storm, the Bear and the Dragon

Under the blankets, it was hot and stuffy and smelled like old people. Evelyn hugged her knees to her chest, squeezed her eyes shut and hummed to drown out the sound of the storm. Leaves hit the windows like claws scratching and the wind howled like rabid dogs and the room shook. Her humming faltered and the sounds grew monstrous and she reached blindly for her teddy but found only comforter and quilt.

Her eyes broke open and she scoured the bed, but with horror, realized that her toy must still be above the blankets, or worse, that it may have fallen to the floor. The world was rocked by thunder and ozone. She bit her lip, stuffed her fingers in her mouth, hummed, but there was an innocent left out in the barrage and she knew she could not sit by while it weathered the weather alone.

Evelyn crawled to the foot of her bed and poked her head from under the blankets. Her black curls stuck up like spider legs and the fresh air was cold against her smothered pink cheeks. The room was gloomy but she spotted the teddy bear instantly.

It had fallen, or maybe it had been flung off when she dove from the claw leaves, she wasn't sure, and now it lay in the middle of a braided carpet, half way to where her curtains hung limp over her large bolted shut window. Pale, red light seeped from under the curtain hems and from between their part. The light oozed across the floor, stained her rug and her toy chest, grew like mold on her dresser leg. Teddy's paw was an inch from where the blood light stopped, but every time the storm shook Evelyn's house, the window would rattle and the curtains would ripple and the light would reach its tentacles out, out, wriggling toward the bear, hungry.

Thunder roared. Her messy curls rabbited back under the comforter and Evelyn again stuck her fingers in her mouth and pressed her face into the mattress and hummed and stared into the needlework but all she could see was the light coiling around her favorite animal, her friend, how could she leave it there alone? She thought of trying to call Mother, but her parent's room was up three flights of stairs and she had promised that she would be brave tonight. Mother had never allowed her to sleep alone on the nights when the red moon rose and what would she think if now, after all Evelyn's begging and whining and tantrum throwing, Evelyn woke the whole household over a teddy bear and some autumn rain?

No, she decided, she could not call her mother.

Evelyn took her fingers out of her mouth and slunk back to the edge of her bed. A tree branch broke outside and was blown into the wall with a thunderous applause. She sobbed, but not wanting to appear a baby in front of teddy, composed her face before sliding to the carpet.

It was then that she heard the screams.

Evelyn froze. Teddy was only a few feet away, a second's rush, but she was held by the fear that if she moved then whatever was outside would know she was awake and come in with claws and teeth and black eyes and blood light and find her. She couldn't hum, because then maybe the outside would hear her, so she froze and listened and eyed the curtains. The curtains were almost sheer, so that tonight the blood moon made them glow and the leaves that tangled outside were dark birds against them. Evelyn watched the leaves come close and go away and the light cavort like water rainbows or jellyfish and the screaming outside grew loud enough to drown out the howl of the storm.

Suddenly, there was a tremendous blast of wind that lifted the house and her curtains jumped and light splashed over the rim of the windowsill and Evelyn yelped and dove and snatched Teddy just before he drowned in the red. She clutched her toy to her chest and curled into a ball and whimpered and squeezed her eyes shut in the middle of her room, expecting this to be the end. But after a moment, she realized that there was a stillness, that the screams and the storm had subsided for a moment and opening her eyes, she saw that the light had retreated to the wall.

She pushed herself to her knees and was about to make a dash for her bed, when a shadow touched her curtains. The outline of a human. Her eyes locked, her heart stopped, her stomach turned to ice. The silhouette did not go away. It just stood there, as if peering in from the storm, watching, waiting for her back to be turned.

            People were not supposed to go outside when the moon was red. Everyone knew this. Bad things happened on red nights. Those were the times when the dragons ran. Evelyn wasn't sure what that meant, but she imagined it included teeth. So, why was the shadow outside her window?

The stories adults told were full of scales and fire breath and impossible things like that. The howling was just the wind. The screams were in her imagination. The light was a fluke. The shadow frightened her, but maybe it needed help? Her toes touched the light on the floor. She wriggled them, but nothing happened, so she stepped up to the curtains.

She grabbed a fistful of fabric with one hand, clutched her bear with the other.

This close up, the silhouette did not look right. There was something sharp about it. It was too tall. It could see her. It leaned closer, pressed dark against the glass.

She tugged and the curtain spread wide and red flooded in and she dropped her bear.

Its eyes were orange, its skin dead white, its mane toxic colors, its huge black claws scratched the glass, its teeth were fangs and its mouth gaped wide tongue long and forked and reaching. It hit the window twice and cracks erupted like spider webs and the storm howled and the creature howled and its claws shrieked against the window and all this was red and there were hundreds of other monsters, prowling the lawn and the sidewalk and the street and Evelyn screamed but she could not let go of the curtain.

Evelyn! What are you doing!”

Arms encircled her, lifted, the curtain dropped back. Her mother had been downstairs getting a glass of water and had heard her daughter's fright. She left the stuffed animal on the floor, locked Evelyn's bedroom door and took her daughter upstairs, but the child did not sleep. She lay in bed next to her parents, the dragon printed on her eyes.

 

Chapter One: The Wall, the Strangers and the Dragon

Fifteen Years Later.

On one side of the wall, a tangled jungle. On the other, cobbled walks, windowsills heavy with flowers, warm firesides, a tabby cat on the prowl, a city curling up for sleep. Evelyn sat on the wall, her black hair knotted in the autumn wind. The sound of voices made her heart skip, but it was only a pair of boys out to race and taste the midnight hours while their parents slept. Still, she waited until they had turned the corner before giving her attention back to the jungle.

The canopy spread below her in a mass of spider webs, strange birds, fanged flowers, bright beetles, leaves turned to brilliance in the moonlight. And deep, deep in that heady labyrinth, something roared. And then the roar became fire. A geyser, orange, hot. She held her breath and strained her eyes, but as fast as it had appeared the fire died and the night flooded back into place. She waited a moment, her pulse fast. But the jungle remained still and the only light came from fire flies and rain cloud stars. She let her cheek fall onto her hand and sighed.

However, she sat up again when she heard the gallop of horses. Coming from the jungle? That's impossible. She leaned over the wall until only her fingernails kept her from falling. Why would anyone be out there at night? The horses broke into the open, their riders blazing with moon metal. The leader rode with his arm raised, his blonde head thrown back, as if he had just cheated hell itself. On the wall, watchmen yelled each other awake and pointed.

Evelyn was just realizing that she needed to get out of sight, when someone barked at her.

You! Girl! What are you doing here?”

She jumped to her feet before the watchman could quite grasp the situation, and dove for the oak she had used to climb up in the first place. The man shouted for her to freeze, but now she was five feet from the ground and the man couldn't follow with all his armor. She leapt, felt her skirt catch on something and rip, hit the ground and ran.

She sprinted into an alleyway, soaked her slippers in a puddle and splashed herself with grime. Two rights, a left, under a hedge and over a small white fence. A dog barked from a doorway. She slowed before she reached the colonnades and velvet curtains of the upper city and looked carefully back into the dark. No one seemed to be following, she hoped that the arrival of the horsemen had pushed her from their minds.

She took a breath and forced herself into a sedate walk so as not to alarm any more dogs or worse, their loose tongued owners. The moon was sinking in the sky. It would be dawn soon, and a servant would be waking her father for his morning meeting. She had to be quick, but she couldn't risk sneaking into her home dripping mud.

Evelyn waded through orange leaves and savored the memory of fire. The street lamps burned low. The door she knocked at was rough wood, water stained, but the woman who opened it was all soft skin and concern.

Evelyn?” The woman took her hand and gasped. “You're ice! What on earth--”

Can I borrow some shoes? The servants will squeal if they find my things in this state.”

You could get hurt pulling stunts like--”

But Beth, you don't even know what I've done this time!” Evelyn hugged her friend and darted inside, glancing behind as the door shut, just in case.

Beth rolled her eyes. “I don't need to know any more than that it is God's hour of the morning and you look like you've just got back from battling rats in the sewers. Sit down and I'll make you some tea.” She tapped a finger to her cheek. “Maybe if I drug it you'll get enough sleep to look decent tomorrow.”

Evelyn laughed and ignored the chair her friend had motioned her to. “I'll get the tea, you get the slippers. I'm sorry to wake you like this.” She twisted a faucet and filled a copper kettle. The kitchen was dark but gray half light steeped the checkered curtains and dabbled around the counter top. When Beth returned, arms full of clean things, Evelyn set the kettle on the stove and said, “I saw one.”

Beth grimaced. “I don't want to know. You'll have rings under your eyes tomorrow, so make sure you bother with face powder before you go out. Do it for me. I like to be known as the friend of someone beautiful and important.”

Evelyn handed her a mug. “Don't be stupid. I'm no more important than a piece of livestock. I'm worth a lot, sure, and no one wants me to get out of my pen, but really they only care about my calves.”

Now you're the one being stupid.” Beth grinned. “The care a great deal about your legs and thighs as well.”

There was something else.” Evelyn sipped her tea. “A whole troupe of men on horse back rode up to the city, had the watchmen in such a state! I can't imagine why they were out so late, maybe a hunting party got lost?”

Beth shook her head and her straight blonde hair fell into her face. “No, Myrrh was in the last party and he got back yesterday.”

Evelyn raised her eyebrows. “Oh, did he? How is the handsome devil anyway? Still managing to be devilish attractive? You know, I seem to remember you mentioning that he was pretty easy on the eyes...”

Beth glared. “He is fine. As fine as someone with a bad cold can be. I brought him some soup yesterday, the man hasn't a clue how to take care of himself.”

Did you offer to tuck him in as well? Give him a goodnight--”

Beth yawned loudly. “Well, it's been fun. Shouldn't you be getting back to your hopefully unlocked window about now?” Evelyn pulled on the new clothes and touched the door knob, but Beth made her pause. Her friend was leaning against the counter, looking nonchalantly into her tea. “So,” she said, “did it really breathe fire and all that?”

Evelyn nodded.

A minute later she was on the street, decked in the slightly less appealing garb of a middle class citizen of Promen. The sun licked the edge of the wall. Mist rose from pumpkin gardens and grape arbors. Bakeries muttered to life and the scent of cinnamon rolls and butter cakes tumbled out of their open doors. The street lamps were doused and cats yawned their way back to fire sides and piano tops.

She stumbled around the perimeter of her lawn and stealthed to where the sculpted hedges ended. The mansion was pearl colored and slick with silver balconies and burnished door knobs. The windows were yellow and pink and blue with night come daylight. The glass shone as if someone had taken a match to it. Fire. Evelyn smiled at the memory.

She hid between the hedges until she was sure no one was near then made a mad dash for the trellis that met with her window a story above. She scaled it, ivy crumbling under her feet, pushed open the pane and rolled onto her braided carpet.

The sun was hot and the wind kicked orange leaves into her room after her. She grinned, then beamed, then laughed, the adrenaline still pumping in her breast. She let the word linger on her tongue like a trophy.

Dragons.”

Then she tumbled into her bed and fell fast asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

February 18th, 2009

Marshmellow Latte

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Today's Drink:: Marshmellow Steamer with Homemade Whipped Cream


You see, some kids came in today with their mum and they were the most adorable little things, made a point of fishing in their pockets so they could tip me in advance because their mum only had exact change, and they wanted steamers with some kind of flavoring that I didn't have, I forget what it was, but anyway, I really didn't wanna disappoint so I started listing the flavors we keep up on the espresso machine and then, as an afterthought, I looked in the glass case where we keep the flavors that are fruity things primarily for italian sodas and GUESS WHAT I DISCOVER?!!  TOASTED MARSHMELLOW TORANI SYRUP!!!  I made their drinks and made one for myself and oh my god, it was good.  I was behind on closing things that day so I didn't have time to experiment but tomorrow I am totally going to try out Marshmellow Lattes and Marshmellow Mochas and see what comes of it.  I SUGGESTED A DRINK NO ONE AT THAT COFFEE SHOP HAD EVER MADE BEFORE AND IT TASTED GOOD!!!!!  

IT WAS MY IDEA!!!

A GOOD DRINK!!!!

And I impressed my coworker by how fast I'd gotten at closing and how quickly I'd learned everything.  I'm competent! 

AHHHHHHHHH!!

Today I was going off on random bits of gossip and books and class and coffee and travel and this and that and my coworker looks at me and shakes her head.  "You are the embodiment of a small town barista, you know that?"  She meant it as a tease, I took it as a compliment.

What else what else?  Class was fun, I got grouped with a gal who has runes tattooed behind her ear, a man with gauged lobes, and a guy named Cassidy.  We read a short story and read each other's freewriting and Tattoo Girl liked the phrase 'sugar sickened' from my amazon exile paragraph and empathized with my bonfire rant.  I got to kiss Cameron right before class and again after class, and seeing him for short spurts here and there is like giving a java junkie a whiff of espresso but denying them their damned con pana. 

Wooow, I've been working too hard, I'm starting to make coffee metaphors. 

Guess what I get to do on one of my days off?  Guess!!! It's the FUNNEST thing on earth!!!  No, not sex, travel, fire dance or pipe bombs.  I get to go to Planned Parenthood.  whoo.hoo.  I. can. not. wait. for. monday.  yum.

Any other updates before I run off to bed?

Z___z

Gave Steve the form to fill out, but of course he hasn't finished yet so there went the whole "mail it on my lunch break" idea, mainly because I had no lunch break today, long story.  Still need to get my Cabrillo ID, it's just never convenient with my work schedule, god I hope I work fewer days next week.  Especially since I need to do ten pages of writing for my class.  Ten, POLISHED, pages. 

Life is good, I love working hard and running on little sleep, and living. The only thing that makes me cringe I can't talk about on livejournal, but I'm taking a deep breath and oh yeah, here are my new rules of thumb::

1. Never assume anything
2. Take people at face value
3.  If a situation is emotionally unhealthy, end it
4.  Do not let fear dictate your actions
5.  Admit when you are being foolish
6.  Fight when it is appropriet

A.  Stand up for yourself
B.  Be honest
C.  Hold others to the standard you hold yourself
D.  Do not deal with people below standard
E.  Be brilliant.

love and fire

cassia

February 17th, 2009

Possible Names for the hair silk glitter business that mum and I are starting as of right now because she finally bought the silk::


Mum:  "Hair Silk that Shines."
Me:  "Er.. that's not very catchy..."
Mum:  "Shiny Hair Silk."
Me:  "Er.... no."
Mum:  "Hair Shimmers."
Me:  "No.. we're buying them from that company.  What about Santa Cruz Shimmerz?"
Mum:  "Cruzy Shimmez"
Me:  "Surf Shimmerz and our logo is a surf girl with glitter in her hair"
Mum:  "I thought we couldn't use the word Shimmerz?"
Me:  "Oh yah.  What about Hair Glitz?"
Mum:  "That's horrible."
Me: "I know."
Mum: "Girl Glitz"
Me: "Surfer Girl Glitz"
Mum: "Glitz for Guys and Gals"
Me: "Glitzes for Ditzes"
Mum: (while petting lucky) "What about Glitz For You or Your Dog"
Me: "Glitzes for Bitches?"
Mum: "Bitch Glitz!"
Me: "MUM!!! YOU JUST SAID THE WORD--"
Mum: "Don't say that word in front of me. And you smell like smoke, were you with that boy again?  I can't believe you are putting up with his smoking and making you see that person all the time.  I'm not trying to lecture but---"
Me: "I like the smoking.  Don't make that face at me.  Westside Pride Shimmerz."
Mum: "Westside Bling."
Me: "Westside Glitz: We Have Your Colors!"
Mum: "Eastside Bling: Will Match Your Bandana!"
Me: "Glitter Girls and we can get the Gilmore Girls to endorse our product."
Mum: "See how fun you are when you're awake?  We never get to see you like this, do we Russell?  You know, We can call it Joan Brown, Teacher-- with hair.  Because I already have some business cards that say almost that."
Me: "How about Cassia Scarborough, Fire Dancer and Freelancer and Generally Amazing Sexy Girl--- with hair.  I have cards too you know."



 
 


Decaf Jumpstarts.

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One of my customers gave me a ride home the other day.  I had been sitting at the taqueria in Felton, cheek on one hand, nose pressed to the window, gloomily watching the rain storm thunder away outside and imagining how god awful it would be to go walk to my street and stand with my thumb stuck out waiting for a ride in that weather, when Mr. Regular plopped down across from me and asked why I was so morose.  Okay, he used less snotty vocabulary, but you get the gist. 

I love how working as a barista gives you an 'In' with the small town community.  Suddenly, I know a few of the younger locals and a lot of the older ones and I'm being given opal jewelry and free rides and cell phone numbers.  In the past couple days my coworkers have whispered, "Blahblah just told me that he thinks you are gorgeous, should I encourage him?" or "Snarksnark with the mohawk wants to know if you're single, are you?"  and although I love Cameron and I'm not interested in the other men... it doesn't hurt my ego one bit to get the attention.  I'm even hitting it off with my coworkers and actually feel like I'm starting to become friends with at least one of them.  Valentine's Day was AWEESOME, even though I didn't end up seeing Cam.  A bunch of my regulars brought me chocolates or cards and my coworker gave me a chocolate rose.

Speaking of how I just said that I loved Cam.  I think I love him?  Scary as hell, right?  Totally managed to go nutso on him a couple times too cuz the thought was too scary .  He said he loved me!  He said it more times than I can count and I think he meant it... because he said it again when he was sober.

I HAVE MY EVALUATION FORM IN HAND AND MY BOSS WILL FILL IT OUT TOMORROW AND I WILL MAIL IT ON MY LUNCH BREAK.  

And, I finally learned how to hold back the foam so that my hot mochas are not bubbly monstrosities. 

Is my life what I want it to be?  Nah, not really, yet.  But I'm happy.  I just wish there were more hours in a day.  When I get off work I am so tired all I can think about is sleep by the time eight o clock rolls around.  And those times when I stay awake anyway, I am dead as a zombie doorknob the next day. 

Impressive Jokes:

--- The fact that the espresso machine was grinding nothing, but was grinding more than Blahblah
--- Our coffee
--- Decaf Jumpstarts
--- Soy Mochas with Whipped Cream
--- People who wear Obama t-shirts
--- Deferential customers.
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