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Cassia Scarborough
18 April 2009 @ 02:32 am
Cassiopia Hardesty
California Conservation Corps
PO Box 515
Yosemite National Park, CA
95389

I'm gone until late September, if you wanna write to me, I would LOVE to hear from you!!!



A few last things to note before I go to bed and get ready to have another adventure.

* I've been sick for at least a week, everything from fevers to sore throats to chest colds and head colds and head aches and twisted ankles.  One drug after another plus Renna's amazing loving care have conspired to make me almost well but I'll be starting my season in the CCC with no preconditioning physically and a low immune system.  Whoo hoo. Also, I have blisters on my feet and I barely finished packing my bag, I haven't ever tried pitching my tent and half the laundry I'm bringing could use a wash.  Wish me luck, I'm goanna need it.

* I saw Cameron tonight and got to say goodbye.  I'm just glad I didn't cry.  Hearing the word "ex-girlfriend" come out of his mouth was a lot more painful than I expected it was goanna be.  But I knew what I'd signed up for, and if I didn't try crazy things like going to Yosemite for five months then I wouldn't be worth my own esteem, let alone a man's.

* I love everyone who's been so supportive this whole time, with huge hugs going out to Adam, Renna, Faye, Kay, Derek, Cam and my family who have had to bear the brunt of my insanity this last month and who have been there for me when I needed someone to rant to, dance with, kiss, laugh with, or make me see when I was being insane.

talk to you in five months,

love and fire,

cassia

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Cassia Scarborough
13 April 2009 @ 03:50 pm
When I was talking to Renna she mentioned the story I wrote a few years ago called "Imagine a House," and how much she'd liked it and how she'd shown it to her YaYas and they'd loved it.  I wrote a sequal to that a year after the original and now, finding myself downtown with time on my hands, here is version three of where I want to be one day.

--------

Imagine a house.

Close your eyes and really picture it.

Red brick, pock marked with moss and laced by vines. There are balconies where vines shush in the breeze and out front at the top of the creaky wooden steps there is a porch swing with vines braided into the rusted chains. In the cool after dawn when the sun is at half mast and the driveway is still sweet with mist, morning glories paint the vines purple and red and orange and yellow.

Inside the house there is a coat rack with colors draped over it and a black fedora set on top. The living room is comfortable clutter, braided rugs, paperback novels, curving windows that look out onto morning glories and bird feeders. Imagine laying on your stomach, watching the robins from a window seat, your chin on your knuckles, a mug of tea at your elbow.

In the kitchen you can smell oatmeal cookies in the oven. A tabby cat is curled up on the table next to the salt and pepper shakers. There are big counters decorated with cut flowers and platters of pastries and bowls of fruit from the orchard out back. A coffee maker bubbles by the sink. Imagine sitting on the counter top with someone you love, eating muffins and gossiping until the sun burns off the fog.

The library is down the hall. Wide dark green armchairs and soft red throw pillows. The walls are built of books. Tanks of bright fish, cobwebbed tarantulas, coiled snakes, carnivorous plants and small furry animals are bordered by Edger Allan Poe and Kurt Vonnegut and Oscar Wilde. A dusty window opens onto a yard where some chickens are squabbling with a peacock. Imagine scribbling notes next to the fireplace, six books open at your feet.

Upstairs are the bedrooms. How many people live in this house? All the people you love most. Down the hall is your best friend, across the way are your children, up another flight of stairs is the person you love playing scrabble with in the evenings and their children. You all live here together, because it is a big house, big enough for the children to play hide and seek without driving anyone insane.

Some of you cook, others dust the books. Some of you like to garden and some play the guitar. When one of you is sick the others care for your children. No one is ever hungry. No one ever has to go it alone, although naturally you may leave at any time. Imagine having something more than a house. Imagine being part of a community, a tribe.

Imagine it, dream of it.

Imagine a home.

 

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Cassia Scarborough
13 April 2009 @ 01:11 pm
Who are we?  I was looking at my Costa Rica photos and remembering.  Things seem so much more important in retrospect.  That sloth that we found in the mosaicked garden, the man who tried to rob me, the hot ocean, the coral, Jonathan.  When it was happening it seemed a given, and now it all feels so integral somehow.

You know how after a friendship or a love turns sour, it feels like you'd seen it coming all along?  You wonder how you could have turned a blind eye to the blatant precursers of the things that rotted everything.  And when you renew an old aquaintence and learn how their life has progressed, it always sort of fits doesn't it?  People fall into patterns that have a scent of predetermination a lot of times, don't they?

So what are my patterns?  Where's my life going?  In twenty years, will where I am shock anyone?  Fun to think about, isn't i?

Somehow, standing in the garden with Jonathan in Costa Rica and petting that sloth seems to sum up all my patterns, good and not-so-good.

love and fire,

cassia
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Cassia Scarborough
11 April 2009 @ 12:39 pm
blarhg.  Perfect timing.  Last night out of nowhere my throat decided to mutiny.  What little sleep I got was wracked with nightmares.  I woke up dizzy, with a blinding headache and sweating like I'd taken a stroll through hell.  Now I have a house to clean and I can't move without the world collapsing on me. 

CCC Superviser: Now remember to take care of yourself and work out so that you can get a good start on the season.  We cannot have you showing up sick.


snarklargblerg,

cassia
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
09 April 2009 @ 02:25 pm

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You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is


It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

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Cassia Scarborough
09 April 2009 @ 12:06 am
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH the CCC!!!!!

The past couple days have been the last stressful ones until the nineteenth.  I got my physical done, express mailed my forms, talked to my supervisor, worked out.  And I think I've managed to get a grip on myself when it comes to my relationship with Cameron... sorta late in the game for that though, isn't it? 

I had a dream last night at Faye's house.  I was standing on the prow of a dark ship that was headed toward a white beach.  As the boat hissed ashore I stepped barefoot into the shallow summer water and then onto the hot sand.  My hair was long and windblown.  I was a merchant.  I asked an official who'd come to greet my boat where the nearest plaza was.  I was only passing through, but I belonged.

I was so happy when I woke up from my dream.

What were those things on my list? 

1. Never Assume
2. Don't Worry
3. Live Right Now

That seems like a good list. 

love and fire

cassia
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
06 April 2009 @ 07:14 pm
The last thing I expected was to spend the evening watching movies with Tony and Jacobi and Theo.  The plan had been to play Left For Dead with Derek and a couple other guys, but since we got to my house before the dancing crew we decided to pay for a movie and it started literally as Gwen, Derek and Brian stepped through the door.  Not wanting to waste five bucks, we told them we would play video games after the show ended, but they had to leave just before the climax, taking their X-Box 360 with them.  I felt a little awful since my original intention had been to spend some time with Derek and Co.  but Jacobi put on Twelve Monkeys and the night progressed.

My throat is a little raw from screaming.  Mostly it was Quarantine that got me, although The Descent with its clausterphobic images was pretty bad as well.  I decided that I like both Tony and Jacobi a lot, specially Tony's hair and his taste in books, and I was glad I had a chance to revive some sort of sarcastic friendship with Theo.  He's not a bad guy, just not someone I want to be intimate with.

It was dawn and none of us were tired, so I put on Coupling and we lit our hands on fire. 

love and fire,

cassia
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
04 April 2009 @ 08:39 pm

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I walked across the bridge railing today. (see entry: selvaluna.livejournal.com/64248.html ) Admitted, I had Derek's help, but I still did it. We were walking back from Cam's house after an hour or so of them both tickling the hell out of me. We cut through Neary Lagoon and the bridge arched red rust over the swampy water.  I handed Derek my bag and climbed up and held out my hand. He helped me balance as I gingerly tip toed. My eyes couldn't decide if they wanted to focus on the water, the cement, my shoes, and vertigo nearly made me tip over. On the other bank, I swore that next time I'd attempt the crossing alone.

Thank god for friends like Derek and Renna, I don't know how I stumbled onto people like them. Good people, genuinely fun, kind, honest, smart people. I can laugh so easily with them, and I never feel like I have to prove myself or apologize for myself. They're the kind of people I would be proud to know forever.

Speaking of Renna, she spent the night! I was in town hanging out with Derek and Jacobi when I get a phone call from her telling me that she's goanna be in Santa Cruz and a little later, there she is, looking like she'd never left only somehow more grown up. And we have all the same memories and we have the same jokes and we've read the same books and we know the same gossip and we enjoy the same things and I hadn't realized how much I had missed her. At my house we made tea and sat on my kitchen floor with the oven open so that heat came out and we dug the fudge out of two cartons of ice cream and gossiped and laughed. We talked about travel and school and men and everyone we knew and everyone we knew who knew people we knew and how much everything had changed in the two and a half years since life got complicated.

"It's been two long years now, since the top of the world came crashing down
but I've always found my way somehow, by taking the long way, taking the long way around.

I fought with a stranger and I met myself, I opened my mouth and I heard myself,
Well it can get pretty lonely when you show yourself, guess I coulda made it easier on myself,

Well I never seemed to do it like anybody else, maybe someday, someday I'm goanna settle down,
if you ever wanna find me I can still be found, takin the long way around..."

--- Dixie Chicks


The next day we hitched into town and got coffee and croissants and looked at notebooks and sat on a sunny bench patterned with shadows from leaves until we had to hug goodbye.

Oh the FIASCO yesterday with my finger printing. I went to and from Cabrillo THREE TIMES. I had really wanted to go climbing with Jason but no, my whole afternoon was eaten up by buses and paperwork. The police at the Sheriff's office were joking about wanting to drink some beer they had confiscated the other night while they took my prints. I thought about all those late nights at technically closed beaches with a case of alcoholic this or that and shook my head. At them, and myself.

I love it when Cameron leans his head on me. There's something so, not adorable, that's the only word I can think of right now though, about a man who is so god damned stubborn and proud laying in my lap with his black hair all tously, it makes me melt. And he pulled me to him today when I was in his kitchen, leaning against a counter. It made me unreasonably happy, silly, it was such a little thing, you know? It's all those little things that stick in my mind with him though.


Love and Fire,

cassia
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
02 April 2009 @ 12:24 pm

rough draft still, mostly just trying to get the events in order.  Give me feedback?

Read more... )

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Cassia Scarborough
01 April 2009 @ 11:16 pm
April 2: Measure for Boots, buy gear at REI, e-mail size to people. 
April 3: Get Student ID at Cabrillo, Get Live Scan, FAX or mail results to CCC 
April 4: Drop Cabrillo Class... you should have done this sooner...
April 7: Stay with friend in SC so you don't miss appt next morning
April 8: Doctor's appointment, fax forms to CCC  --use russell's fax machine
April 19:  Greyhound to Auburn by 7:00pm

THINGS I NEED WITH WHAT I NOW HAVE CROSSED OFF::

Sleeping Bag
Backpack
Boots
Tevas
Water Bottles
Razor
Daypack
Knife
ID
Health Cards
Tent
Sleeping Pad
Flashlight
Batteries
Alarm Clock
Paper/Pens/Stamps/Envelopes
Needle/thread
Sunscreen
Toothbrush/paste
Towel
Brush
Socks
Underwear
Flannel Shirt
Fleece Sweater
T-Shirts
Fleece Jacket
Shorts
Swim suit
Poi
Runes or Cards
Silver Dollar, Austrailian Penny, Frank, Ruppee
Lipgloss

Handmirror



FUCK I AM SO FUCKING STRESSED. FUCK.

Alright, so I will now just take a nice deep breath in, deep breath out.   The lack of ID is fucking me over so much right now though, I wouldn't be having any problems if I had just gone and gotten a new ID months ago when my passport was snatched.  Cest La Vie.

love and fire

cassia
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Cassia Scarborough
01 April 2009 @ 10:03 pm
I got paid today!!! For an afternoon, I'm rich! Tomorrow almost everything I have will go toward buying camping gear at REI but for right now I can rifle through fives and fifties.  I didn't work out as much as I'd hoped, I've been feeling god awful, dizzy and stuff, I thought it was cuz I haven't been eating as much but even when I tried to force myself to eat it didn't help. 

But I did get to see Cameron.  I met him at Border's after grabbing my paycheck and we went up to Seattle's Best and I laughed and he laughed and he looked so handsome sitting there across from me.  I showed him the coin palms I'd been learning.  He said, "Oh, lemme try that--" And took my silver dollar and the IMP KEPT IT.  He'd make a face at me if he knew I'd just called him an imp. Hehe.   He said I couldn't have it back until I finished the books he'd lent me.  He was not amused to hear that I'd read all of American Gods and I was still on Chapter 9 of What is the What, which he lent me in January.  What will he say when I tell him I just started Silence of the Lambs?  I don't mind if he keeps the coin, I have tons of them and if he learns coin tricks his sex appeal is goanna go off the charts in my book. 

I tried to break up with him the other night.  Thank god that didn't work.  I promised him I would keep it together until the 18th.  On the 18th, I'm goanna go insane no matter what.  I can't be in denial about leaving when I'm about to spend hundreds on camping gear, but, somehow I just cannot let myself dwell on losing him.  Not right now.  I'd rather laugh with him and let him steal my coins and tease him and tell him how handsome he is and remember how goofy his smile looks when he's plastered.  I don't want my last weeks with him to be sobbing till 4am.

Also: 

If you have not heard of The Refugees, you are MISSING OUT!

www.myspace.com/refugees3

Listen to their version of Fishin in the Dark and Stickin With My Baby's Love

(I just realized that their official site doesn't have Fishin in the Dark, go to my myspace and listen, it's the first song on my playlist:  myspace.com/deer_rule)

love and fire,

cassia

 
 
Cassia Scarborough
26 March 2009 @ 10:47 am
Cassia's NanoNovel, First Five Chapters.

The Dragon in the Storm
The Fires in the Jungle
The Peacock in the Library
The Fever in the Garden
The Meeting in the Night

All comments and critique appreciated.


Read It Here! )

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Cassia Scarborough
26 March 2009 @ 09:36 am
I can never fly very high in my dreams.  Always end up half off the ground with my arms more clawing at the sky than keeping me aloft.  The dystopian societies are the most frightening, the ones where I hide books under floor boards and the people close to me are the ones who inevitably turn me in and no matter what else happens there is always a father figure who represents the worst of the nightmare. Grey skies and telephone poles and dark windows facing hallways.  I was propositioned by two people at a cafe to join a resistance group, but my father was standing nearby and I could only speak in obliques about preferring trees to sidewalks and how could I trust these people anyway?  My father went to hurry our order, we could not fly back home if it got dark because the wind currents wouldn't be right and he didn't want to drive and the kitchen was taking forever.  While he was away, the strangers, one of them a woman with big eyes and a purple knit scarf, leaned forward and whispered in a rush about the location of a hide away and how she knew what I believed and that I had to come with her.  I shook my head, thinking of my dog and my brother and what happened to people who resisted in this society. When I got back to my home though, I couldn't find my dog.  I turned to my father and he was grinning at me and there was blood on his hands and I knew he knew and I wondered if I should have left with the woman after all.

love and fire

cassia
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Cassia Scarborough
25 March 2009 @ 04:33 pm
TO DO:::

- DMV tomorrow
- Alive Scan ASAP
- Phsyical April 8th
- Boots Tomorrow
- REI Tomorrow?
- Social Security Card (find it!!!)
- Workout  (AHHHHHHHHH)
- Withdraw from Cabrillo (... now...)
- Get rid of stuff in room (tonight)
- Hair cut (Ask Kei)
- Planned Parenthood (ew.  again.  LAAME.)
Bring:
--- Knife (get new folding one)
--- Poi ( make some)
--- Journal (new weather resistant)
--- Pens
--- Colored Pencils
--- Sharpener
--- Cup, spoon
--- Handmirror
--- Beanie
--- Sunscreen
--- Zippo
--- Health Cards, PP card, ID, etc
--- Tevas
--- Toothbrush, paste, lightweight towel
--- Hairbrush
--- Tarot Cards OR Runes
--- One necklace, pick wisely
--- Rings... get those from Cam...
--- clothes (the obvious)
--- Sleeping bag
--- Back pack, yellow one?
--- Tent
--- Kill me.. AHHHHH 
WORK. OUT. MORE. X_X

love and fire

cassia



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Cassia Scarborough
23 March 2009 @ 11:52 pm
P.s.

Now that I've managed to record the inner struggle I just went through for later use in short stories, I can add that it was great to see Julia and Faye and Adam and Derek, we all went to see Knowing the other day.  When Judgement Day arrives, take a lot of Adderal and carry around white bunnies and you shall be saved.  Derek is constantly amazing me by how awesome he is, seriously, that man is a bonafide gentleman, the sort you read about in books but that scientists believed to have gone extinct with the advent of video games, beer, automatic doors and baggy t-shirts. 

And that night I lifted weights, I know, I should have waited a day but I had a lot of frustration to get out and journaling just doesn't cut it.  I haven't lifted weights today though so I don't wanna hear any complaining from you, Arms. 

I skipped rocks with Cam and Paula.  Mostly I threw pebbles at Cam's back and talked to these random guys who were also hanging out by the river, but I skipped a couple stones and after some coaching by Cam I managed to get them to flop a few times before sinking.  And then we went to see a much better movie than Knowing.  I'll give him one thing, the boy's got much better taste in that department than I do.

Lulu's has cinnamon rolls now. OMG my life is complete.

Wow... I'm leaving soon.

love and fire,

cassia
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Cassia Scarborough
23 March 2009 @ 11:12 pm
It was dark. My eyes glued themselves to headlights and fell into oblivion when the tail lights turned a corner.  A mile of twisted road from home and six from cell phone reception.  I could have jogged the distance in either direction if only I had had some light.  But what spilled from the LCD screen everytime I punched ENTER on my phone wasn't enough to attract a moth.  I imagined every half drunk red neck man I'd served coffee to at Mountain Roasting behind the wheel of every explosion bright car that careened past and I told myself not to cry.

My body was panicking, it was too dark and the light was too loud, sudden, dangerous, then gone.  And I was alone and the only people who knew where I should have been were asleep and it was grave quiet and it was dark.

My mind was amped though.  I stood at the base of a hill where two roads forked.  I imagined that if I followed the first up the hill high enough, I may have been able to find reception and make a call.  But along that road my blind eyes saw all manner of horrors:  stray dogs or guard dogs or dogs with jaws that drizzled saliva and dogs that dragged broken chains.  Men peering from windows with guns or beer bottles or bad intentions.  Cars that didn't brake in time. Oh, what you can see when you cannot see!!

Now the other road wound down to the park near where I lived.  God, that park, with its solitary street lamp and the dented Coca Cola machine, it was my mecca, my haven. But the drunk red necks would run over a shadow without noticing the bump, and if I took off my sweatshirt so that my yellow top was visible, I'd freeze or worse, tempt with a better view of my figure.   It was nearly midnight.

I waved my arms at one car.  Then, deciding that desperation could only attract psychopaths, the next car I wiggled a thumb at, the next I smiled at, the next I screamed at.  Between cars I would hunch over my cell phone and sob then take a breath then think of my tattoo and mutter my spirit guides names and talk to myself.  Calm down, panic kills, don't give into it, take a deep breath, don't cry, it's not that dark, you're almost home.

And I was in that place again, where there's a meaning to life.

The next car I jumped up and down and I smiled and frowned and stuck out a thumb and put my hands together and almost screamed again.  It slowed.  It was a woman.  The car was warm and bright and the radio was on.  The woman's name was Jen.  I sank into the passenger seat and hugged my knees and she rolled up her window and said, "Hi."

I loved Jen more than any other human being on earth at that moment.

"I saw you there and I had to stop, I was like, young girl flagging me down on the side of the road?  Honey, I couldn't let the men up here get you, I would have turned around!  There are some creeps out here, and it's so late!  You look frozen!"

I got out of Jen's car at the bottom of my road, at the bus stop where a single street lamp draws a circle of protection around itself.  I cried because the ghosts you meet when you are alone are more dangerous than any reality this world can throw at you.  I hate my mind.  And when I walked up to my house and my little dog greeted me, I admitted that there is something beautiful about the mundane.

Although, I am never suicidal when I'm up against death.

love and fire,

cassia

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Cassia Scarborough
22 March 2009 @ 12:54 pm
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he marries her, then she starts
Doin' the things that will break his heart

But if you make an ugly woman your wife
You'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks your meals on time
An she'll always give you peace of mind

Don't let your friends say you have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly and her eyes don't match
Take it from me, she's a better catch
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Cassia Scarborough
21 March 2009 @ 11:33 pm


Life is change. Death is dwelling on the past or staying in one place too long. - Mermaids, 1990

I think Renna would adore this movie. I'm goanna call and tell her about it tomorrow.

And yes, that Mother in the movie was dysfunctional and she ran away from her problems, but oh my god I identified with her SO MUCH. After a bad break up, she's taking a bubble bath and she pulls out her road map and closes her eyes and puts her finger down and the next scene is the family in a car driving across the country to that place. I watched that and I was like, YES! Not healthy, but oh my god I understood and loved and envied.

And that above quote is my new slogan. Along with, "Act your age, not your shoe size."

After the movie, I put on music and lifted weights and did a few crunches and stretched. I'll do a few more before I go to bed. The woman in the mirror, dancing to the music, lifting weights, leaving for an adventure in a couple weeks, a new tattoo on one arm, she's someone I can recognize.

I'm leaving!!!!

I'm. Leaving.

My grandfather and I have many things in common. Our taste in hats, our dislike of most of the groceries mum purchases, our disdain for most people, our disdain for normal employment. And you know what, one of the smartest things I have ever heard him say is, "Don't worry." I am not going to worry about whether someone will be true or not, or whether I'll get depressed or if things will change or whatever. I am happiest when I am in that state of concentration I get crossing a log over a river or laying under the tattoo needle or racing against time or the sun or a storm with a heavy backpack. That concentration when I know it's hard, but I have to see it through and I will finish it. I don't worry if I will, I know I will, because I've decided I will.

I'm not worrying anymore, I'm willing.

When I got my tattoo, I got it even though the design was not done, the parlors were booked or closed most everywhere, it was late in the day, I had no way to get money out of the bank and didn't have a debit card, I had no ID and I looked like I was sixteen and the only place that would do it was the same one that tattooed my sister whose ID I was going to attempt to use in lieu of my own. I decided I would get a tattoo that day and I got it. From now on, that is how I am living my life.

love and fire

cassia
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
19 March 2009 @ 03:33 pm
What Cassia Wants:

* Her ankle to feel better
* More tattoos
* A smoothie
* To go pool hopping
* A new bikini
* Flowers to set on her windowsill
* You to call her
* Her last pay check
* To finish her second draft of her second book

What Cassia Needs To Do:

* E-mail her writing group people
* Send Ethan's letter
* Deposit cash
* Write
* Work out
* Make smoothie
* Sleep
* Tidy room
* Read
* More ear peircings.  Maybe that's a want more than a need....

Is Cassia Happy Even Though Yesterday Sucked?

* Yes.

love and fire,

cassia
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Cassia Scarborough
18 March 2009 @ 05:59 pm
I wish I had kept my mouth shut for twenty more minutes. 

Just twenty minutes.

But no,I had to speak up didn't I? 

Rose was out of line, if she was concerned about me learning how to do my job better, she would have been more like Sara, who was harsh and straight to the point but also laughed off minor mistakes and pointed out things I did well.  Rose just wanted reasons to show off her own intellect and get some of her pent up aggression and stress out and she wanted to feel superior to me.  And so the rude remarks and the critisism and the smugness in front of customers that I had formed bonds with, that I liked and that liked me.  I can understand her though.  Here she is, twenty years old, with cancer and a mortage and a crappy job and she lives in Felton and will probably stay there forever and she works long hours and she's injured her arm and she can't afford to see a doctor so the pain has been getting worse and worse and she can't have children and she's aged beyond her years.  And here I am, still young and decently carefree and in perfect health and with a family and friends who care for me most of the time and I have everything going for me and my one huge flaw is that I speak without thinking about the consequences, I act impulsively, I'm hot headed, and I walk out when things are tuff.  That's more than one flaw.  Anyway, I can see why she wouldn't like me much.  And when I'm at work I'm submissive and sweet and I never curse and I smile and nod and she's used to that so why shouldn't she make herself feel better at my expense?  It's worked before.  She has learned that she can ignore me, talk around me, insult me, critisize me, question my maturity, my intelligence, my work ethic.  But it was too much today.  I didn't want to be at work and my tattoo was hurting and she had been in a fowl mood all day and I'd been dealing with it for six straight hours at that point and in addition to an hour lunch she'd taken three ten minute breaks and I'd had one eight minute break to scarf down a bagel before I keeled over and died.  I had helped customers, done all the food orders, washed the dishes, swept and mopped the entire cafe, wrapped the bagels and pastries, brewed the coffee, cleaned the coffee bar, cleaned the espresso dishes, ground tomorrow's soon to be stale grounds, restocked everything, made new whipped cream, worked alone during all her breaks, and silently took her damn critisism through it all.  I can't even think of any labor intensive chores that would have been left for her to be doing while I was working!  She was honestly takin it easy that day.  Oh wait, she bleached the food prep boards.  I think she may have wiped down tables once too.  Maybe.  After I cleared off all the newspapers and baskets and pushed in the chairs.

Rebuttals I Wish I'd Said:

::Yes, I told the customer we were out of Garlic Herb cream cheese.  Yes, I left that spot in the fridge empty earlier.  Why?  Because I thought we were out of Garlic Herb cream cheese and didn't think to put an empty container in that spot.  I took the old one out to wash it.  Because I did all those damn dishes so we could leave on time, remember?  Oh wait, you were on break while I was doing that so you wouldn't have noticed.  I had not made any bagels since looking unsuccessfully for new garlic herb cream cheese, had I done so I would have seen that you had found some and put it there and I would not have told the customer we were out.  Maybe you should have notified me of that container's existence in advance?  Or you could have surmised that since I had not refilled that area, it must have been because I could not find the cream cheese you found, because the fridge is unorganized and nothing is labeled and when you heard me unwittingly tell the customer we were out you could have said, "oh wait, no we aren't, I found some!!" Instead of, "Are you fucking blind?  There is some right there, in front of your eyes, if you open the door!!  Duh.  Of course we have it!  Jesus!" 

Or, we could just let it slide because it's. just. cream. cheese. 

::Charging extra for everything.  Let's talk about that.  If a person gets a medium mocha and there is no one behind them in line and they don't specify single or double, I will pour two shots in because otherwise the second shot will go stale and we won't be able to use it anyway and when drinks taste good people come back to the coffee shop.   If they say they want a triple this or that or a double short or whatever, then yes, I will charge extra.  If they want flavor, then yeah, of course, extra.  I will always charge no less than menu price for anything.  If they want to use soy as a creamer instead of half and half, that is RIDICULOUS to charge them, Rose.  Not even our boss would do that I bet.  Now, let's talk about the 7.75 lox bagel that apparently comes with nothing but a bagel and lox.  No cream cheese or onions or nada, all that is extra.  Doesn't that sound INSANE?  Had I known that was the case I would had charged them extra for everything because anyone who pays that much for a bagel is an idiot anyway, but no one told me that.  It makes SENSE that it would AT LEAST come with cream cheese.  Do we need to get in a rage over that mistake?

We could all just take a breath and realize that when you have an insane menu with insane inconsistent prices maybe someone will get confused now and then.

::Not caring for anyone else but myself.  What the fuck, Rose?  YOU GOT ME FIRED.  Number one.  Number two, I DID ALMOST ALL  THE WORK ALMOST EVERY TIME I WORKED WITH YOU OR ALAN!  

::What I said after she started ranting to me about leaving a container out of the fridge.  "Rose, please--" {rantrantrant} "Rose, seriously, I'm leaving in a couple days--" {RANTRANTRANTRANTRANT}
::How the conversation really went.  "You can't leave spaces in these fridges!  It makes it so the temperature goes up and technically we would have to throw EVERYTHING away if we were doing this by the book!  *starts long angry explaination of health code and how incompetent I am*" 
I am thinking that there is a customer walking through the door who doesn't want to hear this.  I am thinking that I don't want to hear anyone talking to me in that tone.  I am thinking I cannot even remember taking a container out of that particular fridge.  I am thinking no one told me about that who temperature thing before.  I am thinking that she doesn't need to go into such detail when we need to get closing chores done and I won't be working there much longer anyway so it was just wasted breath.  I would be unable to fuck up the containers when I was in Yosemite even if I wanted to. 
"Rose, please--"
"RWARRWARRWARRWAR Now I'm not talking about anything really I'm just angry."
"Rose, seriously, I'm leaving in a couple days and--"
"OH SO THAT'S IT!  You're LEAVING and so you don't CARE about this place or if every customer here dies of food poisoning, you don't care about the people out there, you don't care if my boss yells at me because hey you won't be here, you only care about yourself! You couldn't even see the cream cheese that was RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES!  You are useless and selfish and RWARRWARRWAR"
"Rose, that's not it.  Please, what's your-- what's been wrong with you today-- I mean, I'm not trying to say--"
"RWARRWARRWARWA" Rose slammed the fridge and grabbed her purse and cigarettes and clocked out and stormed into the lobby and opened the back door and slammed it shut. 
I stood there being like.... what the fuck just happened?

So I helped a couple customers and I looked at the clock and decided that if Rose didn't turn up in the next ten minutes I would find her or call Steve or something and I would go home because I was quitting anyway I didn't need to take this anymore.  I was tired and dirty and needed a shower before class and my homework was on my desk and getting off work early would be good for me anyway.  I put away everything I could find and wiped stuff down and took stock of how much work i'd be leaving her with:: Only dumping out the coffee pots, pressing a button to clean the right half of the espresso machine, a last wipe down of the lobby and washing a couple spreaders.  She could call Alan if she needed help with anything I'd forgotten, it was a Wendsday and he didn't have landscaping I didn't think. 

So time went by and I was upset and hurt and confused and tired and dirty and I found Rose sitting out back smoking with her friends. 

"What are you doing?"  I asked, kinda in shock.
"I'm off work."
"We're still open."
"It's slow, we don't need two people working."
"I don't know how to set the alarm or count the money and you just made a scene in front of the customers then came out here and left me in there alone!  You yelled at me--"
"I didn't yell."
"Yes you did.  And then you stormed out of the cafe and slammed the door."
"I did slam the door."
"I'm going home."
"Are you now?"
"I am."
"Good luck with that.  Call Steve before you go, he won't be happy to have the cafe be left with no one watching it."

So I call my boss, and he gets royally pissed at me, and he acts as if I was the one who had started the argument and as if I was the one who made scenes in front of customers and he told me that if I left and someone stole something he would hold me responsible and he asked to talk to Rose and after Rose handed me back the phone she had the smuggest look on her face.  And Steve was even angrier at me, saying that I wasn't doing my job, that I was lieing to customers and telling them we didn't have merchandise and that I was making scenes and that I wasn't charging people the correct prices ever and that I should never expect to use him as a reference.  Ever.  And that I had to get out of the cafe and not come back.

... wtf.

I just agreed with everything he said and apologized and hung up and clocked out and grabbed my bag and left.

And then, outside of Safeway I started crying and a checker who always came in with her boyfriend for a bagel saw me and hugged me and said that she'd seen Rose being rude and that I shouldn't let it get to me and that it didn't matter since I was leaving anyway and a woman I'd never met hugged me and she was squishy.  And I didn't stop crying for over an hour I think.  Called Faye and cried to her and cried on the bus so that the woman in front of me whispered that it was goanna be okay and a man to my left gave me a packet of tissues.  And I cried at bookshop santa cruz in the bathroom and when I could finally stop crying my face was horrible red and I tried to make-up away the splotches on my cheeks and my tattoo hurt and I was still dirty and tired and unprepared for class.

I bought a new dress to wear so that I didn't feel quite as mangy, then went to Lulu's with the intention of calling someone to hang out but I just wanted to be alone.

fuckin fire.

cassia


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Cassia Scarborough
17 March 2009 @ 09:19 am
Cassia

Has

A

Tattoo.



Yup.  And she got it without ever showing an ID.  WOOT!

My arm is killing me and my mother's face had that tight lipped surpressed look that told me how much she hated the idea of my arm being ruined by ink, and my grandfather wasn't too happy seeing as how he'd gone on and on about how much he regretted getting his tattoos but i the end he helped me put lotion over it and said it didn't look too bad.  "At least it isn't one of those ones that cover your whole arm and you can never cover up.  They look so unfeminine and ugly on women and they get in the way of making a living when you're older."  As positive as I could hope for I guess.

I'm writing Ethan a letter tonight.  He sent me the most beautiful earrings, it's strange how he always seems to know exactly what I would love as a gift.  And I'm actually mailing this letter too.  I have post and everything.

My grandfather and I drank coffee at Lulu's this morning before he left to go back to Huston.  The stories that he has!  The life he's lived!  Elephants and fireworks and traveling and rigged games and texas rangers and faux watches and robbers and gypsy kings and photo booths and politians and hitch hiking and soda pop and highways and side shows and wrestlers and world fairs and gambling.  I still say I missed my era, and he still agrees with me.  I gave him Water for Elephants and Devil in the White City for his birthday.  His partents worked at the Chicago World's Fair that Devil takes place at. He worked with some of the elephants that Rose from Water for Elephants is based on.  I'm glad he saw my tattoo.

When I was getting the tattoo done, a man walks by his chest all covered in ink and looks down at me. 

"Is that her first tattoo?"
My artist nods.  "And look, it goes all the way around her arm.  Filled in."
The man's eyes bugged out.  "Your one tuff lady."

Fuck yah. 

I want to go back and change he dragon's jaw a bit, maybe add a line in one spot, but otherwise I love it.  And the design wasn't even what mattered, I just wanted an excuse to tattoo the back of my arm because everyone said it hurt so damn much.

I look in the mirror and see myself.  Almost.

love and fire,

cassia

 
 
Cassia Scarborough
13 March 2009 @ 06:53 pm
It's Official:  CASSIA HAS BEEN ACCEPTED INTO THE CCC!

(we all knew she'd get in all along, didn't we?)

My group leaves April 19th and will be stationed in Yosemite.

When I got the call I was in the back of the cafe and I jumped up and down and squealed and the customer who was watching me laughed and gave me a two dollar tip.

Later today, it sunk in.  The CCC.  Oh shit, I actually have to go.  That would mean leaving Cameron.  It took me two years of looking and messed up relationships to find a man who is as amazing as Harper had been.  I ruined my chances with Harper because I made rash choices and because I didn' know how good I had it.  Is the CCC worth forsaking what I am starting to have with Cam?  THIS SUCKS.  I wish the program was for one month, or that I'd known Cam longer or that I didn't have to decide this weekend.  

But hey, life is an adventure at least.  And if I do leave, then my track record of never holding a job more than four months will stay intact!  

love and fire,

cassia

ps.

"The saddest sight my eyes can see
is that big ball of fire sinking slyly down the trees
siting in a broken circle while you rest upon my knee
this perfect moment will soon be leaving me.
susan calls from boston the coffee's hot the corn is high
that same sun that warms your heart will suck this good earth dry
with everything its opposite's enough to keep you cryin
or keep this whole world spinnin with a twinkle in its eye
So get out the map, get out the map,
and lay your finger anywhere down
we'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone
I'm goanna clear my head
I'm goanna drink that sun
I'm goanna love you good and strong
while our love is good and young."

"I'll be your
gypsy girl
take my hand around the world
kiss me once
kiss me twice
kiss me only for one night
when you do
then you'll know
there's only one real gypsy girl."

"The road is never ending
my compass point is bending
and I don't know what's in store
just reality I tried so to ignore
I can't see beyond the door
but I have to push on through, push on through."

"The road goes ever ever on
down from the place where it began
and I must follow if I can
pursuing it with weary feet
until it joins some larger way
where many paths and errands meet
and wither then I cannot say."

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Cassia Scarborough
12 March 2009 @ 06:52 pm
Something exciting is about to happen.

Spent last night with Parker and Cam and some other people I don't really know, got to see Kay and David for a second there as well.  I believe Parker is the first guy to snap my thong and not get in trouble for it.  The next morning I woke up and the full moon was yellow in the 5am sky and I jogged downtown with a minute to spare before my bus for work left.  I grabbed a double americano and felt like a cheater but that kiosk at the Metro doesn't have airpots of coffee and as I said my bus was about to leave so I didn't have a choice. 

Work was work, cept that I made 60 dollars in tips and a delicious smoothie.

After work, class was class.  Teacher adored my story, which made me bounce around like mad and drive poor Cam up the wall at the diner later that night.  I was going to hitch hike home, but it was almost eleven and I forced myself on Cam for another night instead.  Fell asleep reading Catch 22 on his couch.  Sexy girl to have over for the night, aren't I? 

This morning I got a lemon poppyseed muffin from Coffeetopia and the barista who gave it to me was Theresa, Theo's other ex girlfriend.  Strange, Theo and I had a whole couple thing around muffins and it was pretty contrived but cute, to order it from her without realizing it made me feel like I'd lost something.  Can't really explain that, since getting rid of Theo was more of a gain than a loss.

And the shocking thing will happen before Monday.'

love and fire,

cassia
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Cassia Scarborough
10 March 2009 @ 12:25 pm
Derek and Dyami and I went salsa dancing at the Palomar on Friday and I have not had that much fun in weeks.  I wore my little black dress with the tall red high heels and and dangle ear rings and half the men I danced with were horrid leaders and I tripped twice and they played Chachacha way too many times but I got to dance.  Derek and Dyami tried out new moves and didn't mind when I bounced around all giddy and a few of the men I danced with complimented my ability to follow.  There was one skeezeball who was more interested in rubbing his crotch into my leg than dancing and he was silmy with sweat and twitched a lot, but otherwise the night went without a hitch since I had my Manly Body Guards with me to dissuade creeps.

After that, Dyami and I hung out until one in the morning, eating french fries and talking about politics and people and uncondtional love and travel.

At work the next day, I told my regulars about my night and the men made comments about how they wanted to see me in a salsa dress and the women were jealous that I knew how to dance and I told them that it had been really hard to learn and that I was really out of practice but that I believed anyone could do it. 

And Cameron came in near closing and one of those regulars, a woman who always gets a triple short swiss latte, said he was cute and I ran around the counter and hugged him and kissed his cheek and when he went outside to read and wait for me to get off work, a few other regulars stood around the counter commenting on how they wished they had a girlfriend who looked at them like that.  Oh, before all this happened, an older man gave me a bag of candies and another gave me a flower.

Cam and Jason and I went to see Watchmen, which was amazing, specially since I had a huge bag of cadbury eggs.  Well, half a bag of them, I had thrown at least half at cam and pigeons and cars for the fun of it.  

I'm trying to convince my coworker to teach me to shoot well.

I was tired the next day at work and fell asleep at a table during break.  When I woke up a regular said, "Good morning Sunshine.  Goanna make my mocha now?"  I looked at the clock and set my cell alarm, "five more minutes."  Woke up again, again he said good mornin sunshine and I stumbled to look for a comb and coffee.  I heard the men at the table discussing how adorable my hair looked right after I woke up.  That word again.  Adorable.  Gr.

Did I mention I had my phone interview for the CCC?  Let's not think about that.

That afternoon I met up with Jason and Cam and Kei and Fransesco and a man named Tony who had the most gorgeous dreads on earth and we had a bonfire and Kei and I played with my fire hula hoop and convinced Tony to try it as well.  Our fire was situated in the curve of a cliff with the sea and the heavy moon and black blue stars visible down a tunnel.   I tried to climb the wall but I was too tipsy.

The next day at work, I was thrashed. 

All those late nights and early mornings added up to a blistered hand. 

Let me explain.  I was starting to get a sore throat and Rose suggested chamomile tea with some echinatia and peppermint and hell just mix up a bunch of the bags and make a super-tea, it was free anyway.  So I did and filled the cup to the brim and was about to get some honey and steam some cream when the super hot water splashed over the rim and onto my hand.  Now, this was a huge cup of tea and I didn't want to make a mess because my boss was behind me.  So I held on but the pain made me squeeze the paper cup tighter and more water splashed out and I jerked my hand and more water splashed out and I yelped back a curse and set the cup on the counter and my hand was bright red and I stuck it under some hot water and it HURT. Seriously.  OUCH.  My whole hand swelled up and started to blister and my fingers curled up a little and I was looking at them with horror when Rose, who had had a bad rash for the last couple days, tells my boss that she just had a call from her cousin and it turns out the rash is contagious and she needs to go to the doctor and obviously she can't work until the rash is gone.  So now I have a blistered hand and nine hours of working alone and doing the dishes alone and every time I try to make a drink I wanna cry because picking up the hot milk pitchers hurts so bad and I have to try to do everything left handed and it is basically hell.  I try to call Allen come in for me but of course I can't get him on the telephone.

So I go on my lunch break and fall asleep on the table and I am woken by Steve.  I blabber something like, "Ohmygod I am so sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep in the cafe that is sooo unprofessional and--" and a man who had been trying unsuccessfully to flirt with me earlier was laughing at me across the lounge which made me want to pour hot tea on his crotch for some reason.  Steve, (my boss) waves my apologies off.  "Allen called and he will be here soon.  I'm going to run to the store and then you can go home."

OH MY GOD I was happy.  I cleaned everything I could clean with one hand, left half my tips for Allen, made a new batch of whipped cream, and hitched home.  

The woman who picked me up was the owner of the restraunt that Derek works at.  Crazy huh?  Derek, she says you're her best person there.

And now my Carnival grandfather is here and we're talking about life on the edge of the law and travel and carnivals and how mom never buys anything worth eating when she goes grocery shopping.

love and fire

cassia

 
 
Cassia Scarborough
06 March 2009 @ 07:21 pm
Working in a coffee shop gives one plenty of time for introspection, the zen of washing dishes and waiting for bagels to toast is enough to make me feel almost enlightened.  Anyway...  the livejournal friends list got a taste of my madness in my last entry, that is the product of hours of having nothing to do but contemplate.  Overall, the conclusion I've reached is this:  I need to be amazing again.  That self confidence comes and goes and when it goes I push everyone away and I'm passive agressive and needy and not cool.  So before I fall any further into that space... I'm goanna go get dressed to go salsa dancing.

Oh, and a woman came in today and asked for me specifically to make her mocha because of the way I sprinkle chocolate dust over the whipped cream.  Thank you, thank you very much.  Another woman gagged when she tried our air pot coffee and went on for ten minutes that it tasted like water.  Well... yah... it does... what did you expect, quality?

OH! And you should all look at my new livejournal layout. Right now.  Leave your friend's page or facebook and go to my livejournal and look.  It is AWESOME.

love and fire

cassia

 
 
Cassia Scarborough
05 March 2009 @ 12:49 am
Thank you Kay for being there for me.  I was sitting on that bus crying and making the man next to me feel hella awkward and I needed someone to talk to so bad and you were perfect. 

I was so tired.  Tired in that way where you look around and you just cannot see any reason to keep moving.  It's all dark and everything falls apart and nothing good will ever last and why not end it now but how to do it so that it won't be messy?  Now, Kay didn't know that I was this depressed when I called, oh man that would have made my awkward man DIE if I had started to go into that.  But I was afraid to be alone right then and I didn't know who else to call because it was so late and I had already called Faye earlier tonight to talk to her about other fun stuff.  And Renna has enough to worry about.  And Julia only has a home phone.  And Cam was with friends and honestly he doesn't need to deal with me when I'm in this state.  And Nate was working and Theo is Theo and Ethan's in a different time zone and when you go through my phone list you realize that if Kay had not picked up I probably would have been forced to talk to the man next to me because otherwise I would have been afraid of how tired of life I was.

Seriously Kay, THANK YOU FOR PICKING UP YOUR PHONE.

I hate falling asleep alone when I feel this way.  Why do I have to work for so many days in a row?  If I feel like this tomorrow FUCK IT I'll bus to work I cannot spend another night alone in this bed.  The rain is lovely and I lit a candle for my spirit guides and my new story is goin great and class was fun and Antonio is super fun to talk to when I should be paying my teacher attention, but I just do not want to be alone.  It's fucking scary to be alone right now.  God, I hope I don't feel this way tomorrow.  But if I do I'll call Nate or someone with a couch and crash there because there is no reason that I should have to curl up and be emo when I know so many people with yummy floors, couches and spare beds.  Hint.hint.hint.

cassia.
Tags:
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
04 March 2009 @ 10:41 am
Well I got inspired to write some more of my story last night, that's almost as good as actually writing it.  Reading over the Nanowrimo draft I realized that there is a lot of good to decent writing and plot at least at the beginning of the narrative.  Naturally, right when I had decided to buckle down and type something, (after I checked my e-mail myspace facebook wiki DJ forum made some phone calls talked to the barista ordered more coffee and zoned out) that was when Addison showed up.  So I closed my computer and chilled with him and it was gloriously fun, he's got such a good sense of humor and he's so easy to talk to!  And he has an awesome multi colored scarf!  Yay!

After he left/I ditched him I met up with Faye and we went to her house and talked and I made awful jokes about matters that should not be joked about and we walked through the downpour and bought ice cream and hot cheetoes and got the gas station attendant to give me a free Iced Tea because I didn't have enough cash on me.  And when we got back to her place we looked like we had jumped into the ocean.  Drinking iced tea in the rain was one of the strangest experiences I have ever had, it went against all instinct and the can was slimy and water was waterfalling down my cheeks and my hair stuck to my forehead and the can just kept filling back up no matter how much I drank. 

I told Faye that I hoped I did not get accepted to the CCC, that I was happy here and that I wished everyone would beg me to stay... but that's not strictly true.  Damn it, I wish I knew if I was accepted or not, if I had gotten a call or not, because then I could know if I had anything to decide.  Guess I don't, really.  If I get in I go and if I don't get in I go in a few months.

'I'll find out this week probably...

love and fire,

cassia
Tags:
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
02 March 2009 @ 08:55 pm
When she dies white wings won't fly her all the way to Jesus
Her soul will lay and move with the waves
Well the devil told me all his secrets
And if we were walkin through a crowd
well you'd know I'd be proud if you'd call my name out loud---

--- I wish my playlist would stop skipping like this.

I climbed up to the second rung of a bridge to better see the pond birds and sunset water.  Cam climbed one higher and I tried to push him over (obviously.)  Looking back, I realize that the woman who I want to be would have stepped onto the top and tightrope walked across the bridge and risked fallin into the probably freezing slush below.  Next time, I'll do that.  And there will be a next time, I walk that path way too often.  Still not the person I want to be, but I'm two steps above the ground and that, dear reader, is better.  The view sparkles more up here.

love and fire

cassia
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
28 February 2009 @ 09:46 pm
Lists: In Order of Time Spent Pondering This Week

The CCC

Ohgodohgod I'll miss my caramel macchiattos
Ohgodohgod I'll miss my community here
Ohgodohgod I'll miss Cam
Ohgodohgod I wonder if I'll get in

Cameron

I love him so much when he leans on me or rests his head on my shoulder
His hair is magnificent
Has an amazing singing voice
Frustrates me beyond belief because I feel like he just doesn't care about my feelings when it comes to 'that one thing', which is the only thing I really ask of him other than honesty and communication and (unless he talks to me about it beforehand) monogamy. 
I love him so much when he's not leaning on me as well.  Actually, all the time, now that I think about it.


My New Novel

Evelyn is entranced with dragons after her mother takes her outside the wall
Mother killed by plague
Falls in 'love' with Everette and hates Peitho until end?  Or other way around?
Ornate or direct voice?

People I Think Are Awesome and Why:

Julia, she's really pursuing her dreams and is great at being true to herself
Kay, is so easy to talk to about problems
Kei, I've only barely met her and already I like her as much as people I've known for months
Faye and Ren, best friends, duh
Bri, her sense of humor and her hair
Sara, she's improved my barista skills by 300 points
Derek, BRA SHOPPING WAS KILLER FUN
Adam, one of the only guys I can talk to honestly about everything with no fear of it turning into more than friendship

Things I've Done This Week

Worked and got better at making frappacino style shakes
Fiction class and made friends with more people in it
Picnic with tons of friends at Neary Lagoon on a bridge where--
--contrary to what was legal, I fed the ducks and the huge open mouthed fish
--accidently hickied Derek's arm while trying to free myself from a choke hold
--made many riske jokes
--ate ice cream cones and sun chips
climbed on a geodesical climbing structure
took my brother to see The Pink Panther 2
impulse bought too much stuff I don't need
walked along Westcliff with Adam at night and watched the stars and the trees and talked about all sorts of things
hung out with Cameron and kissed him and was alternately frustrated and in gooeysickeninglove with him
wrote a lot
read Flowers in the Attic

Major Stresses in My Life

Insecurity which leads to
Frustration but otherwise
My life is pretty awesome

And Finally:

Make Up Products Advertised for the Sci-fi Savvy Woman

Summer Glau Foundation
Klingon Everlasting Lipstick
Jedeyeliner

cassia





 
 
Cassia Scarborough
23 February 2009 @ 10:21 pm
reasons to want to live:

- friends who I love and who love me
- all the amazing places I want to go to
- the child I want to raise one day
- making the world a better place for that future child
- warm amazon rain
- the thrill of telling a story
- if your life means so little to you use it to fight

reasons to be happy:

- mailed the CCC reference form
- the ocean was majestic today
- white mocha chai and my first attempt at 'hanging out' with my mother
- seeing friends
- good books, esp Flowers in the Attic
- learning new things
- watching the waves geyser around us with Cam, Jason and Kei and dangling my feet off the edge of the cliff and my boots getting wet that's how high the water rose and drinking beer and joking until the stars rose above the waterline
- laughing with Julia at Lulu's over labels and talking about stage managing and people and degrees and whatnot
- three men stopped short today to say I was beautiful
- writing stories again
- fiction class and the new people in it

and why I'm depressed?

- stress over that possibility
- inordinately stupid crush on boyfriend that leads to me getting terrified of being hurt again
- hopefully, a dash of hormones
- not wanting to go to work tomorrow and having nothing to look forward to after work but more work
- lack of sleep
- bad diet, i'm just never really hungry, yet I still weigh 5lbs MORE than I did last month
- spent two hours at PP and of course my 'nurse' or whatever the hell she's called was the bitchiest most condesending woman alive and we all know how I take being patronized
- now that I'm getting the hang of my job I feel like my life is again going nowhere, has no challenge, that I'm just stuck and I hate it
- still don't have the ID i need for my tattoo

Ways to fight the depression::

- write
- read
- spend time with friends
- take more walks
- work out
- drink complex coffee drinks
- journal
- list things
- paint your nails
- dye your hair
- collage
- pierce yourself/get someone to do it for you
- smile even if you don't mean it
- cadbury eggs come in larger bags now.


HAH!  Depression can't win this time, I'm not going to let myself slip down that hole again tonight.


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Cassia Scarborough
22 February 2009 @ 11:05 pm
So she wakes up around nine unable to sleep anymore and the rain is thunderous and she is already at a loss as to what to do with herself without work.  So she calls up Mountain Roasting but they don't need any help.  So she takes an hour long shower and makes coffee and watches the rain and takes out a book and puts the book back and turns on her computer and does that whole e-mail thing and opens a word file and starts to type.  And the rain keeps raining and so she makes a second cup of coffee and some chai and writes.  And she tries some tea and it makes her retch so she writes some more.  And she realizes in this flash of lucidity that she spent three almost-full days with Cameron and that she really ought to focus on priorities like writing and working out and all that jazz.  Seriously, three days is sort of ridiculous.  Not that he isn't a priority, but anyway.  So then she gets bored of writing and takes another shower and cleans her room and reads to her brother and makes more coffee and what the fuck starts writing again.  And she talks to some friends on aim and the phone and then edits a little and glares at the rain because she assumes the lighthouse fire dancing won't happen and puts her hand on her cheek and taps her foot and pokes the keyboard and melts in her chair and looks in vain for her lost fire poi and talks to some other friends and reads what she has written and decides 90% of it is rubbish and posts it all online anyway. 

She feels like she's back to those days where she didn't do anything but write because it was so annoying that she couldn't find out what was going to happen in the story faster because she could only write a good five or six pages in a day and that was not enough story per day to satisfy.  She sort of likes it.

love and fire,

cassia
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Cassia Scarborough

Prologue: The Storm, the Bear and the Dragon

Under the blankets, it was hot and stuffy and smelled like old people. Evelyn hugged her knees to her chest, squeezed her eyes shut and hummed to drown out the sound of the storm. Leaves hit the windows like claws scratching and the wind howled like rabid dogs and the room shook. Her humming faltered and the sounds grew monstrous and she reached blindly for her teddy but found only comforter and quilt.

Her eyes broke open and she scoured the bed, but with horror, realized that her toy must still be above the blankets, or worse, that it may have fallen to the floor. The world was rocked by thunder and ozone. She bit her lip, stuffed her fingers in her mouth, hummed, but there was an innocent left out in the barrage and she knew she could not sit by while it weathered the weather alone.

Evelyn crawled to the foot of her bed and poked her head from under the blankets. Her black curls stuck up like spider legs and the fresh air was cold against her smothered pink cheeks. The room was gloomy but she spotted the teddy bear instantly.

It had fallen, or maybe it had been flung off when she dove from the claw leaves, she wasn't sure, and now it lay in the middle of a braided carpet, half way to where her curtains hung limp over her large bolted shut window. Pale, red light seeped from under the curtain hems and from between their part. The light oozed across the floor, stained her rug and her toy chest, grew like mold on her dresser leg. Teddy's paw was an inch from where the blood light stopped, but every time the storm shook Evelyn's house, the window would rattle and the curtains would ripple and the light would reach its tentacles out, out, wriggling toward the bear, hungry.

Thunder roared. Her messy curls rabbited back under the comforter and Evelyn again stuck her fingers in her mouth and pressed her face into the mattress and hummed and stared into the needlework but all she could see was the light coiling around her favorite animal, her friend, how could she leave it there alone? She thought of trying to call Mother, but her parent's room was up three flights of stairs and she had promised that she would be brave tonight. Mother had never allowed her to sleep alone on the nights when the red moon rose and what would she think if now, after all Evelyn's begging and whining and tantrum throwing, Evelyn woke the whole household over a teddy bear and some autumn rain?

No, she decided, she could not call her mother.

Evelyn took her fingers out of her mouth and slunk back to the edge of her bed. A tree branch broke outside and was blown into the wall with a thunderous applause. She sobbed, but not wanting to appear a baby in front of teddy, composed her face before sliding to the carpet.

It was then that she heard the screams.

Evelyn froze. Teddy was only a few feet away, a second's rush, but she was held by the fear that if she moved then whatever was outside would know she was awake and come in with claws and teeth and black eyes and blood light and find her. She couldn't hum, because then maybe the outside would hear her, so she froze and listened and eyed the curtains. The curtains were almost sheer, so that tonight the blood moon made them glow and the leaves that tangled outside were dark birds against them. Evelyn watched the leaves come close and go away and the light cavort like water rainbows or jellyfish and the screaming outside grew loud enough to drown out the howl of the storm.

Suddenly, there was a tremendous blast of wind that lifted the house and her curtains jumped and light splashed over the rim of the windowsill and Evelyn yelped and dove and snatched Teddy just before he drowned in the red. She clutched her toy to her chest and curled into a ball and whimpered and squeezed her eyes shut in the middle of her room, expecting this to be the end. But after a moment, she realized that there was a stillness, that the screams and the storm had subsided for a moment and opening her eyes, she saw that the light had retreated to the wall.

She pushed herself to her knees and was about to make a dash for her bed, when a shadow touched her curtains. The outline of a human. Her eyes locked, her heart stopped, her stomach turned to ice. The silhouette did not go away. It just stood there, as if peering in from the storm, watching, waiting for her back to be turned.

            People were not supposed to go outside when the moon was red. Everyone knew this. Bad things happened on red nights. Those were the times when the dragons ran. Evelyn wasn't sure what that meant, but she imagined it included teeth. So, why was the shadow outside her window?

The stories adults told were full of scales and fire breath and impossible things like that. The howling was just the wind. The screams were in her imagination. The light was a fluke. The shadow frightened her, but maybe it needed help? Her toes touched the light on the floor. She wriggled them, but nothing happened, so she stepped up to the curtains.

She grabbed a fistful of fabric with one hand, clutched her bear with the other.

This close up, the silhouette did not look right. There was something sharp about it. It was too tall. It could see her. It leaned closer, pressed dark against the glass.

She tugged and the curtain spread wide and red flooded in and she dropped her bear.

Its eyes were orange, its skin dead white, its mane toxic colors, its huge black claws scratched the glass, its teeth were fangs and its mouth gaped wide tongue long and forked and reaching. It hit the window twice and cracks erupted like spider webs and the storm howled and the creature howled and its claws shrieked against the window and all this was red and there were hundreds of other monsters, prowling the lawn and the sidewalk and the street and Evelyn screamed but she could not let go of the curtain.

Evelyn! What are you doing!”

Arms encircled her, lifted, the curtain dropped back. Her mother had been downstairs getting a glass of water and had heard her daughter's fright. She left the stuffed animal on the floor, locked Evelyn's bedroom door and took her daughter upstairs, but the child did not sleep. She lay in bed next to her parents, the dragon printed on her eyes.

 

Chapter One: The Wall, the Strangers and the Dragon

Fifteen Years Later.

On one side of the wall, a tangled jungle. On the other, cobbled walks, windowsills heavy with flowers, warm firesides, a tabby cat on the prowl, a city curling up for sleep. Evelyn sat on the wall, her black hair knotted in the autumn wind. The sound of voices made her heart skip, but it was only a pair of boys out to race and taste the midnight hours while their parents slept. Still, she waited until they had turned the corner before giving her attention back to the jungle.

The canopy spread below her in a mass of spider webs, strange birds, fanged flowers, bright beetles, leaves turned to brilliance in the moonlight. And deep, deep in that heady labyrinth, something roared. And then the roar became fire. A geyser, orange, hot. She held her breath and strained her eyes, but as fast as it had appeared the fire died and the night flooded back into place. She waited a moment, her pulse fast. But the jungle remained still and the only light came from fire flies and rain cloud stars. She let her cheek fall onto her hand and sighed.

However, she sat up again when she heard the gallop of horses. Coming from the jungle? That's impossible. She leaned over the wall until only her fingernails kept her from falling. Why would anyone be out there at night? The horses broke into the open, their riders blazing with moon metal. The leader rode with his arm raised, his blonde head thrown back, as if he had just cheated hell itself. On the wall, watchmen yelled each other awake and pointed.

Evelyn was just realizing that she needed to get out of sight, when someone barked at her.

You! Girl! What are you doing here?”

She jumped to her feet before the watchman could quite grasp the situation, and dove for the oak she had used to climb up in the first place. The man shouted for her to freeze, but now she was five feet from the ground and the man couldn't follow with all his armor. She leapt, felt her skirt catch on something and rip, hit the ground and ran.

She sprinted into an alleyway, soaked her slippers in a puddle and splashed herself with grime. Two rights, a left, under a hedge and over a small white fence. A dog barked from a doorway. She slowed before she reached the colonnades and velvet curtains of the upper city and looked carefully back into the dark. No one seemed to be following, she hoped that the arrival of the horsemen had pushed her from their minds.

She took a breath and forced herself into a sedate walk so as not to alarm any more dogs or worse, their loose tongued owners. The moon was sinking in the sky. It would be dawn soon, and a servant would be waking her father for his morning meeting. She had to be quick, but she couldn't risk sneaking into her home dripping mud.

Evelyn waded through orange leaves and savored the memory of fire. The street lamps burned low. The door she knocked at was rough wood, water stained, but the woman who opened it was all soft skin and concern.

Evelyn?” The woman took her hand and gasped. “You're ice! What on earth--”

Can I borrow some shoes? The servants will squeal if they find my things in this state.”

You could get hurt pulling stunts like--”

But Beth, you don't even know what I've done this time!” Evelyn hugged her friend and darted inside, glancing behind as the door shut, just in case.

Beth rolled her eyes. “I don't need to know any more than that it is God's hour of the morning and you look like you've just got back from battling rats in the sewers. Sit down and I'll make you some tea.” She tapped a finger to her cheek. “Maybe if I drug it you'll get enough sleep to look decent tomorrow.”

Evelyn laughed and ignored the chair her friend had motioned her to. “I'll get the tea, you get the slippers. I'm sorry to wake you like this.” She twisted a faucet and filled a copper kettle. The kitchen was dark but gray half light steeped the checkered curtains and dabbled around the counter top. When Beth returned, arms full of clean things, Evelyn set the kettle on the stove and said, “I saw one.”

Beth grimaced. “I don't want to know. You'll have rings under your eyes tomorrow, so make sure you bother with face powder before you go out. Do it for me. I like to be known as the friend of someone beautiful and important.”

Evelyn handed her a mug. “Don't be stupid. I'm no more important than a piece of livestock. I'm worth a lot, sure, and no one wants me to get out of my pen, but really they only care about my calves.”

Now you're the one being stupid.” Beth grinned. “The care a great deal about your legs and thighs as well.”

There was something else.” Evelyn sipped her tea. “A whole troupe of men on horse back rode up to the city, had the watchmen in such a state! I can't imagine why they were out so late, maybe a hunting party got lost?”

Beth shook her head and her straight blonde hair fell into her face. “No, Myrrh was in the last party and he got back yesterday.”

Evelyn raised her eyebrows. “Oh, did he? How is the handsome devil anyway? Still managing to be devilish attractive? You know, I seem to remember you mentioning that he was pretty easy on the eyes...”

Beth glared. “He is fine. As fine as someone with a bad cold can be. I brought him some soup yesterday, the man hasn't a clue how to take care of himself.”

Did you offer to tuck him in as well? Give him a goodnight--”

Beth yawned loudly. “Well, it's been fun. Shouldn't you be getting back to your hopefully unlocked window about now?” Evelyn pulled on the new clothes and touched the door knob, but Beth made her pause. Her friend was leaning against the counter, looking nonchalantly into her tea. “So,” she said, “did it really breathe fire and all that?”

Evelyn nodded.

A minute later she was on the street, decked in the slightly less appealing garb of a middle class citizen of Promen. The sun licked the edge of the wall. Mist rose from pumpkin gardens and grape arbors. Bakeries muttered to life and the scent of cinnamon rolls and butter cakes tumbled out of their open doors. The street lamps were doused and cats yawned their way back to fire sides and piano tops.

She stumbled around the perimeter of her lawn and stealthed to where the sculpted hedges ended. The mansion was pearl colored and slick with silver balconies and burnished door knobs. The windows were yellow and pink and blue with night come daylight. The glass shone as if someone had taken a match to it. Fire. Evelyn smiled at the memory.

She hid between the hedges until she was sure no one was near then made a mad dash for the trellis that met with her window a story above. She scaled it, ivy crumbling under her feet, pushed open the pane and rolled onto her braided carpet.

The sun was hot and the wind kicked orange leaves into her room after her. She grinned, then beamed, then laughed, the adrenaline still pumping in her breast. She let the word linger on her tongue like a trophy.

Dragons.”

Then she tumbled into her bed and fell fast asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

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Cassia Scarborough
18 February 2009 @ 10:44 pm
Today's Drink:: Marshmellow Steamer with Homemade Whipped Cream


You see, some kids came in today with their mum and they were the most adorable little things, made a point of fishing in their pockets so they could tip me in advance because their mum only had exact change, and they wanted steamers with some kind of flavoring that I didn't have, I forget what it was, but anyway, I really didn't wanna disappoint so I started listing the flavors we keep up on the espresso machine and then, as an afterthought, I looked in the glass case where we keep the flavors that are fruity things primarily for italian sodas and GUESS WHAT I DISCOVER?!!  TOASTED MARSHMELLOW TORANI SYRUP!!!  I made their drinks and made one for myself and oh my god, it was good.  I was behind on closing things that day so I didn't have time to experiment but tomorrow I am totally going to try out Marshmellow Lattes and Marshmellow Mochas and see what comes of it.  I SUGGESTED A DRINK NO ONE AT THAT COFFEE SHOP HAD EVER MADE BEFORE AND IT TASTED GOOD!!!!!  

IT WAS MY IDEA!!!

A GOOD DRINK!!!!

And I impressed my coworker by how fast I'd gotten at closing and how quickly I'd learned everything.  I'm competent! 

AHHHHHHHHH!!

Today I was going off on random bits of gossip and books and class and coffee and travel and this and that and my coworker looks at me and shakes her head.  "You are the embodiment of a small town barista, you know that?"  She meant it as a tease, I took it as a compliment.

What else what else?  Class was fun, I got grouped with a gal who has runes tattooed behind her ear, a man with gauged lobes, and a guy named Cassidy.  We read a short story and read each other's freewriting and Tattoo Girl liked the phrase 'sugar sickened' from my amazon exile paragraph and empathized with my bonfire rant.  I got to kiss Cameron right before class and again after class, and seeing him for short spurts here and there is like giving a java junkie a whiff of espresso but denying them their damned con pana. 

Wooow, I've been working too hard, I'm starting to make coffee metaphors. 

Guess what I get to do on one of my days off?  Guess!!! It's the FUNNEST thing on earth!!!  No, not sex, travel, fire dance or pipe bombs.  I get to go to Planned Parenthood.  whoo.hoo.  I. can. not. wait. for. monday.  yum.

Any other updates before I run off to bed?

Z___z

Gave Steve the form to fill out, but of course he hasn't finished yet so there went the whole "mail it on my lunch break" idea, mainly because I had no lunch break today, long story.  Still need to get my Cabrillo ID, it's just never convenient with my work schedule, god I hope I work fewer days next week.  Especially since I need to do ten pages of writing for my class.  Ten, POLISHED, pages. 

Life is good, I love working hard and running on little sleep, and living. The only thing that makes me cringe I can't talk about on livejournal, but I'm taking a deep breath and oh yeah, here are my new rules of thumb::

1. Never assume anything
2. Take people at face value
3.  If a situation is emotionally unhealthy, end it
4.  Do not let fear dictate your actions
5.  Admit when you are being foolish
6.  Fight when it is appropriet

A.  Stand up for yourself
B.  Be honest
C.  Hold others to the standard you hold yourself
D.  Do not deal with people below standard
E.  Be brilliant.

love and fire

cassia
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
17 February 2009 @ 09:59 pm
Possible Names for the hair silk glitter business that mum and I are starting as of right now because she finally bought the silk::


Mum:  "Hair Silk that Shines."
Me:  "Er.. that's not very catchy..."
Mum:  "Shiny Hair Silk."
Me:  "Er.... no."
Mum:  "Hair Shimmers."
Me:  "No.. we're buying them from that company.  What about Santa Cruz Shimmerz?"
Mum:  "Cruzy Shimmez"
Me:  "Surf Shimmerz and our logo is a surf girl with glitter in her hair"
Mum:  "I thought we couldn't use the word Shimmerz?"
Me:  "Oh yah.  What about Hair Glitz?"
Mum:  "That's horrible."
Me: "I know."
Mum: "Girl Glitz"
Me: "Surfer Girl Glitz"
Mum: "Glitz for Guys and Gals"
Me: "Glitzes for Ditzes"
Mum: (while petting lucky) "What about Glitz For You or Your Dog"
Me: "Glitzes for Bitches?"
Mum: "Bitch Glitz!"
Me: "MUM!!! YOU JUST SAID THE WORD--"
Mum: "Don't say that word in front of me. And you smell like smoke, were you with that boy again?  I can't believe you are putting up with his smoking and making you see that person all the time.  I'm not trying to lecture but---"
Me: "I like the smoking.  Don't make that face at me.  Westside Pride Shimmerz."
Mum: "Westside Bling."
Me: "Westside Glitz: We Have Your Colors!"
Mum: "Eastside Bling: Will Match Your Bandana!"
Me: "Glitter Girls and we can get the Gilmore Girls to endorse our product."
Mum: "See how fun you are when you're awake?  We never get to see you like this, do we Russell?  You know, We can call it Joan Brown, Teacher-- with hair.  Because I already have some business cards that say almost that."
Me: "How about Cassia Scarborough, Fire Dancer and Freelancer and Generally Amazing Sexy Girl--- with hair.  I have cards too you know."



 
 


 
 
Cassia Scarborough
17 February 2009 @ 08:09 pm
One of my customers gave me a ride home the other day.  I had been sitting at the taqueria in Felton, cheek on one hand, nose pressed to the window, gloomily watching the rain storm thunder away outside and imagining how god awful it would be to go walk to my street and stand with my thumb stuck out waiting for a ride in that weather, when Mr. Regular plopped down across from me and asked why I was so morose.  Okay, he used less snotty vocabulary, but you get the gist. 

I love how working as a barista gives you an 'In' with the small town community.  Suddenly, I know a few of the younger locals and a lot of the older ones and I'm being given opal jewelry and free rides and cell phone numbers.  In the past couple days my coworkers have whispered, "Blahblah just told me that he thinks you are gorgeous, should I encourage him?" or "Snarksnark with the mohawk wants to know if you're single, are you?"  and although I love Cameron and I'm not interested in the other men... it doesn't hurt my ego one bit to get the attention.  I'm even hitting it off with my coworkers and actually feel like I'm starting to become friends with at least one of them.  Valentine's Day was AWEESOME, even though I didn't end up seeing Cam.  A bunch of my regulars brought me chocolates or cards and my coworker gave me a chocolate rose.

Speaking of how I just said that I loved Cam.  I think I love him?  Scary as hell, right?  Totally managed to go nutso on him a couple times too cuz the thought was too scary .  He said he loved me!  He said it more times than I can count and I think he meant it... because he said it again when he was sober.

I HAVE MY EVALUATION FORM IN HAND AND MY BOSS WILL FILL IT OUT TOMORROW AND I WILL MAIL IT ON MY LUNCH BREAK.  

And, I finally learned how to hold back the foam so that my hot mochas are not bubbly monstrosities. 

Is my life what I want it to be?  Nah, not really, yet.  But I'm happy.  I just wish there were more hours in a day.  When I get off work I am so tired all I can think about is sleep by the time eight o clock rolls around.  And those times when I stay awake anyway, I am dead as a zombie doorknob the next day. 

Impressive Jokes:

--- The fact that the espresso machine was grinding nothing, but was grinding more than Blahblah
--- Our coffee
--- Decaf Jumpstarts
--- Soy Mochas with Whipped Cream
--- People who wear Obama t-shirts
--- Deferential customers.
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
13 February 2009 @ 09:49 pm
Now watch me rise up and leave
all these ashes you've made out of me
when you said that we were wrong
life goes on, just look at how long I've agreed.


When I was with Theo and an attractive man would stop to chat I'd never mention I had a boyfriend.  I remember that the first time he told me he loved me it was provisionally, and that I believe colored the entire relationship.  That I begged for monogamy and he deigned to give it to me, I felt like I was begging the entire time.  I always looked slutty to him, never touched him the right way, was always kissing him too often and got angry at myself when I was cruel to him.  That people call me adorable now, these new people who have only seen this version of me, honestly it boggles more than offends. 

The rain is beautiful.

I was going to write about pain way back when, I jotted down a paragraph about fighting with Theo and how much I hated it every time he tapped out time to a song on my leg, but I don't care too much now.  My mind jumped to the subject of loyalty, of how important it was in my mind to put the feelings of friends before what your body wants because without friends, who would you turn to after the lust has turned into a bleak bed left unmade and a telephone that never rings?  But again, I've covered that train of thought and this journal needs new threads.

The threads of my life right now::

Gotta get that form to my boss on Tuesday so he can hopefully give me a good reference for the CCC program. 

Woke up late this afternoon in Cameron's arms.  The rain was torrential when we sat on his front porch drinking coffee and him smoking a cigarette.  I told him I was a goddess and that to prove it I would make the rain stop.  Ten minutes later the sky was still and the sun was a cold glare while we walked downtown.

Renna and I bought shirts and looked at shoes and leather bags and drank white mocha chai.  It was the ease of best friends spending an afternoon together downtown. 

Dizzying amounts of work.  I love being at the coffee shop alone in the really early mornings, before my pretentious coworker can act superior or the customers decide to order the slime filled breakfast burritos.  In the mornings I can make myself Creme De Menthe Mochas and watch fog gather in the parking lot outside.

I moved a cage into my bedroom and situated it on my bookshelf between The Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe and The Celestine Prophecy so that Panda and Sprocket can hang out with me while I sing Rosalita waaay too loud.

Stayed out all night at a bonfire with Dyami and Cameron and Jason and co. I had to go to work the next morning at seven, but the fire didn't die until well near dawn.  I managed maybe an hour's sleep at Cam's before I dredged myself out of bed and stepped into an ice shower and slapped my cheeks and kissed him goodbye and rushed out the door.  I love the feeling of waking up before the sun and hurrying somewhere, it reminds me of  mornings in South America, grabbing a taxi or a bus to a new place or falling out of a hammok and hiking to beat the blue and find the flocks of macaws feeding beside waterfalls.  I got downtown and got some coffee and was more alive at work than I had been all week.  It was not until I got home at five that I passed out with my shoes on and my dinner going cold downstairs.

(as a side note:  at that fire, Cameron danced with me.  He danced!! And even though he was drunkish and I was drunkish the boy's got rhythm!  The moon was full and the night was deep and the fire was bright and I finally got him to dance with me!)

Fiction writing class is good so far although it is going to be painful to buy the required texts, especially if I end up going to the CCC halfway through the semester.  I almost wish that I will be rejected, but not really.  I wouldn't be myself if I didn't go on mad adventures like the CCC.  Still, leaving a man as wonderful as Cameron for five months with no hot water and grueling work... I have heard more appealing ideas. 

Last Valentine's day I had a date with whats-his-name and we went to Lighthouse Field and sat at the very edge of the cliff and ate orange chocolate and made out.  I loved kissing back then, before Theo made me stiffen up every time my lips met his (which was very rarely).  I was still heartbroken over Ethan.  I was just home from Costa Rica and my skin was still raw from the sunburn I'd gotten and I still talked regularly with Jonathan, my German man.  I was so confused and I put myself in fast forward. 

Now, I feel like I've finally hit the play button on life and said it's okay to move on, okay to play.

love and fire,

cassia.
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
07 February 2009 @ 08:08 pm
Caffeine and Conversation/ Lattes and Literature Version 4.9
(now with 30% more commitment!)

That's right ladies and gents!

Think back to all those good times at Perg's where you brought cash and contrived stories about your exploits, where you read journal entries and interrupted each other and eventually stopped coming because you hated 49% of the people there, remember mornings at Seattle's Best working on NaNoNovels or short stories and thinking about how grand it was that only the 'cool' people came to this version of the group, remember days spent at Lulu's sharing one small latte between three people while sorta kinda talking about the written word, recall the evenings gathered together over mocha chai where we all complained about how much we hated the book our book group was reading, and rejoice!

For now, once again, rising like a phoenix from the ashes of something Cassia tried to cook, is the often abandoned yet always entertaining Caffiene & Conversation/Lattes & Literature/Write or Die/Your Name Here!!!

Meeting THIS MONDAY, 3pm - 4pm, at the one and only Lulu Carpenter's. You must make it to this meeting if you want to come to future meets or have a say on the schedule. Future Drop In policy to be decided on at meeting.

Now I know what you are wondering:: What the hell Cassia, why do you think this is going to work any better than version 1.0, 2.0, 3.1, 3.7, or 4.8 1/2?

Because I have a NEW SORTA NEW idea.

Remember last summer's Picnics in the Park? This will be a similar set up. Each week, one person will bring in a short story to read aloud to the rest of the group. An e-mail will be sent out earlier in the week so that if you want to read the story in advance you can, but that is not required or expected. After the story is read, we will go through and discuss it from a variety of perspectives, such as writing style, story, theme, character development, connections to our lives or other stories, etc. Whoever has brought in the story will be expected to have read it a couple times before and have come up with some sample conversation topics and maybe marked a few passages that they found particularly interesting. I will always have a back up story on hand in case the day's reader comes to the group unprepared or plays hooky.

Although this is intended to be a social event, it is primarily a place for lovers of stories to share their passion with each other and this needs to be a group where people feel like they can have an intelligent conversation and do not need to feel afraid of being attacked or ignored. For these reasons, I have to ask that you only come to this group if:

* You can commit to spending the whole hour talking with us about the story of the day
* You can shut your mouth when a story is being read aloud
* You can turn off your cell phone when a story is being read aloud
* You actually want to come to this group because you like literature and warm drinks
!!Can't make it on Mondays? Make it to this week and we can change the schedule to work better for you!!

If this sounds like a fun time to you, I will see you Monday and feel free to pass this on. Please reserve your spot by sending me a response with at least one suggested short story or short story author to prove that you're somewhat serious.

<3

Cassia



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Cassia Scarborough
07 February 2009 @ 06:54 pm
Today's Drink:  Iced Creme De Menthe Soy Mocha, because the Creme De Menthe is a vibrant green color while the peppermint is boring and clear.

So, I screwed up a bunch this morning and was totally ready to either yell or hide by the time my break came around, but after lunch two awesome things happened. 

The first was that right after my co-worker complimented my latte foam I made a couple drinks for this young couple, I think they were mexican mochas or something like that.  And as they were walkin away the gal took a sip and exclaimed, "This is really good.  No, seriously, is yours as good as mine is?  You've gotta try this--"  And anyway, I thought that they had left, so I yelled to my coworker across the kitchen. " Hey, Allan!! Did you hear that??  They said nice things about my drinks, they thought they were good, isn't that SO COOL!?!"  And Allan points behind me and--- there they are, a foot from the door, stopped to listen.  Ohmygodsoembarassing.  The girl laughs, "Well, they ARE good."  And the guy agrees and they mercifully leave.  

The second cool thing to happen was that around closing time, just as I was about to start bitching over how busy it had been and how far behind on everything I was, the door opens.  Even though I had my back turned and I was hunched over a mop and muttering about what pigs java junkies were, I knew the door opened because I have developed a sixth sense when it comes to people entering the cafe with the intent of wasting my precious time.  (I am not always this anti-customer, but by 3:30 my love of making drinks has to compete with my painful feet for supremacy.)  So, I spin around with hatrad growing in my heart and see--- Cameron?  WHOAMYGODMYBOYFRIENDWHOIAMMADLYCRUSHINGONANDWHOISSOFUCKINGSEXYITISRIDICULOUSJUSTWALKEDINTOMYCAFE.

That brightened my afternoon and gave Allan something new to tease me about and disheartened a couple young male customers who had been lurking around.  So I got to see Cam after work and watch the river flow and skip stones and I was going to go to a party or go to Santa Cruz to see friends, but rides home in either case would have been tenuous at best and I figured that I could not afford another late day at work after that last misadventure, so I came home and here I am, typing out my day on livejournal so that I can get in a little bit of writing practice before falling down dead into my bed, exhausted. 

love and fire,

cassia

 
 
Cassia Scarborough
05 February 2009 @ 11:03 pm
Going through old journals and sketch books I found some poetry I wrote just after I moved here from Southern California.  Pretty good for a thirteen/fourteen year old.

Eggshells

Still I remember what I used to know
the places I've been and I wanted to go
still I retain a little bit of that soul
that used to fly free so very long ago.
I never remembered giving the word
it just arrived like a newborn bird
and as it tossed away the eggshells of my past
and took to its wing oh I was free at last.

Shapshifter's Oath

I will be as graceful as a deer along her path
agile as a squirrel that leaps between the trees
caring as a wolf for newborn pups
and as mystic as a moonlit summer's breeze.
I will be as patient as the lichen on the boulder's face,
daring as a raven in the night
hopeful as a foal on shaking legs
and as shining as the silver fishes bright.
I will be as clever as a fox when stalking prey
strong as any ant beneath a load
as honest and as cruel as every storm upon the sea
and as proud and full of wisdom as the kaypok old.

My Goals for the year on August 1st, 2006 at Age 16.
(with the goals I have achieved crossed out)
Earn 3,000 dollars for Camino/travel
become a good fire dancer
Finish novel
publish Rogue Newsletter
give friends things
publish something in a magazine
bake cookies to give to people
less internet
ride horses
go to dances
throw parties
learn
read all Derrick Jensen books
expand library
kiss a freakin guy
bring mom chai at work in the mornings
initiate conversations with strangers


Jump  Written August 31, 2005

Fallen angel, fallen one,
don't fear as you leap from heaven
fearless and forgotten
fallen angel, fall.

She stayed up late most every night to worship the reigning stars
God knew the ones she loved the most
the comet tails as they dissolved
she wished for broken wings.
Broken wings just let me fall,
just let me fall.

Fallen angel, fallen one,
don't fear as you leap from heaven
fearless and forgotten
fallen angel, fall.

Feathers strong an bountiful she wished were made of wax
she dreamed of one day breaking free--
gloating, boastful shooting star
why can't you carry me?
Heaven may be perfect
But, oh star, it isn't free.
An angel up in heaven cannot be a human being.

Fallen angel, fallen one,
don't fear as you leap from heaven
fearless and forgotten
fallen angel, fall.




 
 
Cassia Scarborough
03 February 2009 @ 11:13 pm
Sprocket is sitting by my keyboard eating popcorn and sniffing my tea.  I really ought to spend more time at home with them, but being here just reminds me how much I want to travel and there are so many people to be in Santa Cruz for, Renna and Cam being two of the more flashily obvious on

I was looking at Lucky sleeping on a pillow by the fire place and I remembered how when I lived in the desert our big old black and white dog would sleep curled up over the air conditioning vent in the kitchen with that same contentedness in his eyes.

In my childhood it was always sunburns, now I have to wear hats to keep off the rain.

There's something deeper in those contrasting images than I've explained, but it will have to wait. Yet again, I am totally beat. Worked from dawn to afternoon, put on a dress, went to Kara's memorial service, stayed for the bonfire, faded, tried to ignore the cramps that had been poking around all day, got into a fight with my parents because 1. I lost the car keys while wrestling in the sand with Renna and 2. mom said I couldn't do something and I hate to be told I cannot do things and need to be treated like an adult. I hated fighting, especially after the memorial service, and I ended up acting like a spoiled little brat instead of the adult I wanted to be treated like and dear lord if I do not move out soon I will die.

Bright side:: I made a good cappachino today and my hot chocolates are looking pretty elagant... er... as elegant as paper cups with no latte art can look that is.

The bonfire after the service was blessedly beautiful by the way.  Little tea candles in the sand and marshmellows all burned crisp and the stars out.  Dogs barking, kids running undertow, the ocean hissing, and my mother hanging out with other adults.  If I'd been more awake, if I'd had a couple nice asprin, I would have been a lot more social, but as it is it was beautiful.  I wish I had known Kara better, I wish I had been able to spend time with her the way I spend time with my friends' families now.  In the back of my mind, I think I will always have her eyes asking me if I'm being the sort of friend I want to be for Renna.  It's funny how I never realized until now that that woman subtly changed my life.

love and fire

cassia
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
02 February 2009 @ 10:12 pm
Whoa, I really like Cameron.  What the hell is wrong with me? 

plus and minus list of life:

+ new langerie
- still need prettier bras
+ I have an excuse to hang out with Faye so I can get her opinion on said bras
+ cute hairless rat pups
- not buying new cute pet because responsibility doesn't suit me
+ listening to music on Cam's couch with a fresh cup of coffee and his arms around me
+ cameron in general
+ seeing friends
+ passionfruit iced tea
+ a new dress and the CUTEST HIGH HEELS EVER you will die of jelously
-/+ mom knows I'm interested in Cameron? but she's not clear that I have a new boyfriend, and she hasn't really met him, and my mum never really hangs out with my friends the way Cameron's parents do. 
- I'm worried about renna and mateah
- my stomach. ew flab.
- not sure when I am supposed to be at work tomorrow, I hope it's at 8.
+ Rose is coverin my shift so I can get to Kara's memorial on time
+ I love my job
+ I love my friends
+ I love my rat and my dog
- I can't find my fire poi
- I need a new ID before I can get my peircings or tattoos.
+ New fiction class starting soon
- I haven't traveled in eons
+ I have reasons to be in Santa Cruz
+ I'm happy.  And it's not that manic sort of happy I had for awhile.  I'm just happy. 
+ I'm goanna practice juggling tomorrow
+ White mocha chai
- my stomach.  ew again.

So, I'm not goanna go get all engrossed in this, but I think that one last mention of Cameron being pretty damn cool is forgivable since I've only just aquired a boyfriend in the past couple of days and all...  oh my god, Cameron's my boyfriend.  Like, as in, he likes me. 
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
31 January 2009 @ 10:48 pm
MY LATTE FOAM IS GOOD NOW!!!!!! ALMOST CONSISTENTLY!!!!! WE ARE TALKING NICE LATHER LIKE FOAM 80% OF THE TIME!!!!  Yay.  Cam pointed out that I'm getting way too excited about this, but learning to be a good barista is my number one thing right now, so can you really blame my enthusiasm?  And I got to chat with a man about motorcycles while brewing Costa Rican, got to act as therapist, confidante and generic attractive barista girl, joked with kids and finished reading Oscar Wao over break.  Basically, I love my job, even though my hands hurt from washing dishes and I make a million mistakes a day.  

Speaking of Cam... actually, I'll post that in a separate friends-only entry, sorry to anyone reading this on Facebook, but I don't like going on at length about anyone in particular in a completely public media form.  Suffice to say that I think he may sort of kind of maybe like me.  Possibly.  I mean, he asked me to be his girlfriend, but, as we all know, that doesn't really mean much or anything.  But I think it may be almost safe to say that there is a 49% chance that he could POSSIBLY have a thing for me.  Although why on earth he does I haven't a clue when he hasn't read anything I've written, has rarely seen me firedance, I mean the two things I'm good at he hasn't even seen so why he would think I'm cool is beyond me, but there you have it, the poor fool.  I mean, jeeze, the only version of me he has seen is the Cassia-Talks-About-Travel-But-Gets-A-Job-Instead version.

This is a long way of saying I guess I'm sort of kind of a little bit taken?  Yes?  I think?  Possibly? It's a little scary to say or think, let's just say I'm crushing and excited and I'll delete the question marks in the morning.

(what I know Kay is going to say: "OH MY GOD CASSIA YOU GUYS ARE ADORABLE  IT IS ABOUT TIME!"
(what I know Ren is going to say: "Just go slow and if I tell you he's an asshole LISTEN to me for once because I am always right about your boys."
(what I know Faye is going to say: "OH MY GOD CASSIA YOU ARE INTERESTED IN A DECENT GUY WHO MAY ACTUALLY BE GOOD FOR YOU ARE YOU SERIOUS WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?!?!"
(what I know my parents would say: "Don't you dare see anyone, you need to focus on building yourself and everytime you get involved with a man... you just have bad taste in men honey.
(what I know Lucky would say: "Wooooof rwar."
(what I know Adam will say: "Umn.... why did you call me and leave me a message last night where you were screaming something about Cameron?"
(what I know Maria would say:  "He smokes.  He is evil."
(what I know *censored* and *censored* will say:  "Wait... so does this mean you won't be calling me next weekend?"

love and fire

cassia


 
 
Cassia Scarborough
30 January 2009 @ 11:55 pm
Renna's play was FABULOUS!!!!!!!

She's an amazing actress, and Bettina and Maggie and her all looked so lovely in their costumes it was ridiculous.  I got to see a bunch of people I hadn't talked to in eons (like ELOWYN!!!!!) and went out to dinner afterwards.  Read a book over coffee at Lulu's, chatted about motorcycles at work, got complimented on my latte foam and my co-worker said she "LOVED" working with me.  Scooore. 

A man came into the cafe today, his name is Nick and he always orders a medium no whip hot chocolate.  I asked if I had remembered his name right and he said, "Yes, but I feel horrible, I've forgotten yours!  I am so sorry, please give me your forgiveness!"  I make his drink, tell him my name, grab a post it, write "FORGIVENESS" on it, hand it to him.  He looks at it and asks what it is.  "I'm giving you my forgiveness."  He laughed and turned to my boss.  "This lady's pretty good, you better make sure to keep her."  My boss said, "We plan on it."  Scooore.

Now Lucky is gnawing on a bone at my feet, the fire is warm and I have to wake up in seven hours.  That's all she wrote.

love and fire

cassia

 PS:: Today at work I wore my sweatshirt all day since my top was a little too skanky but around three it was so hot and there were so few customers and my coworker's shirt was waaay more scandalous so I said fuck it and stripped.  (Not completely but you get the point.)  My coworker looks at my outfit and practically squeals, "You are adorable!"

Why?  WHY?  WHY!!!!?????

gah. 

always with the god forsaken adorable. 
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Cassia Scarborough
29 January 2009 @ 07:01 pm
Friday, Saturday Sunday Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. 

Don't you hate it when you get what you wish for?  Of course, now that I don't want to be working a lot I am working 40 hours a week.  All I want to do at this moment is see Renna or Cameron and, of course, all I'm goanna do is go to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow and go to work.  Aw well, at least I can do something fun tomorrow night.  All those hours spell travel and tattoos too, so it's not all that bad.

It pained me to leave those coffee grounds out all night and have them oxidize and have the first pots of coffee in the morning be made from stale ground-yesterday-left-on-the-counter beans.  But that's the way the store's run so what is a gal to do?  Oh god, but no one will ever convince me it is okay to resteam already steamed milk or add to old cooled down milk and resteam that. Nooooo... Fresh milk for each drink unless the stuff in the pitcher is still hot.  Please. Please. The grounds I can handle (sort of) but the milk, no, that is taking it too far.

And I am enrollin in one of those motorcycle certification classes, a glorified driver's ed on two wheels.  The plan: be totally unpractical and buy a motorcycle so that even if I don't get into the CCC this summer I can go on a glorious bike trip around the US or maybe Mexico if I find a kindred soul.

love and fire and dying for a party

cassia
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Cassia Scarborough
28 January 2009 @ 08:46 pm
I went to Renna's house last night. 
I think that's enough of that topic.  That's one story that is not mine to tell. 
I was going to climb with Cam and Jason, buut I figured that there was no need for me to make Myjah's first day back with her Santa Cruz pals awkward, which, sadly, is probably what would have happened.  Still, I probably would have gone if Renna hadn't called, would have loved to tumble off boulders and  even though he doesn't want anything, I feel bad not giving Jason a birthday present. 
This morning I got a new hair cut, the idea was to go there and get something that would be edgier, something with personality you know?  When she was done the stylist held up a mirror and someone across the room shouted, "YOU LOOK ADORABLE!!!"
Sigh.
I'm afraid that even my tattoos will not be able to kill this damn "cuteness."  And my leather vest gave me a rash so that clothing style is out.  Oh well, I'm doomed to be the least likely looking bad ass in history.
Speaking of being a bad ass: 
I could not walk for most of the day.  I got to Bookshop around 2 to meet Renna and right when I walked in there my head exploded and I was so short of breath I had to grab a bookshelf.  This feeling lasted the rest of the day, coming and going but mostly staying until now when I can breathe fine while sitting down.  Probably side effects but still scary.  I get so panicy when I'm sick.  And of course I see Cam today.  God, he's goanna think I am constantly sick.  I guess I do get dizzy or whatever more than normal, but still, he doesn't have to know that :-P.

You know, I almost kinda wanna get my nipples peirced, buuut we'll wait until after the tattoos for that stroke of rash genius to happen.  Apparently, I am not allowed to get corset peircings, am I Renna?

love and fire and dizzyness

cassia
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Cassia Scarborough
25 January 2009 @ 06:48 pm
Been thinking about the difference between the external and internal worlds.  Was about to go to bed, but wanted to experiment first.  Here is the previous entry, focusing on internal events rather than the basic what-happened.
--------

It makes me feel alive to win out over sleep.  You know that battle of "I should be sensible verus I should live every moment of my life as if it were on fire yes I know that is cliche but matches don't burn forever you know."  I'm laughing a lot more now, so much more than when I was with Theo, so much more than I was just after.  I suppose it still is just after I mean it only has been two months but god laughter is nice.   A quote I was mulling over while brewing someone a cup of Sumatra and watching the fog burn off outside.  Remember all that is still beautiful around you, and be happy.  -- Anne Frank.

There's a lot wrong in the world, a lot wrong in the lives of those I love, some things wrong in my own life, but, there's a lot of beauty there too.  Maybe I've let myself become too frightened.  At the coffee shop people call me adorable, my teachers in high school mistook my enthusiasm for naivite and suggested that maybe I shouldn't graduate early. Theo used to get pissed when I would spark and jump around with some new idea or inspiration only to move on a couple weeks later.  It wasn't naivite, It's not that I'm adorable.  And it's not really that I am a flake.  It's that when I am happy I fall in love.  I fall in love with October or writing or a book or zines or a new friend or fire or night or morning or coffee or a song or an ideal and Ethan asked me in a message what I wanted to do more than anything.  Right now, today, learn how to be a barista and fight sleep so that I can drink coffee by the cash register and day dream.  Tomorrow, after I get off work, I'll probably say that what I want more than anything else on earth is to be with the people I love and laugh with them and talk about books.  I'm flexible, there is too much on this earth to want just one thing from life at once.

Ice skating with people I may have been a zombie but the happiness I felt was so simple. Simple as ice, not as fragile though.  I didn't care about men or the past or the future it was just, skating.  I can't really convey how lovely that was.

Speaking of men in the past though, Harper.  Renna gave me the zippo he had said was lost the day we broke up.  It's green, with my name engraved on it.  I didn't cry until later.  I'm happy to have it though.  And it's better that I'm out of his life.  He has his passion and from what I hear he's passionate about someone special and even if in every other respect I was wrong, I was right that we could never have worked.

Would you be the wind, blowin me home?  Would you be the dream on the wings of a poem?  And if we were walkin through a crowd well you know I'd be proud, if you'd call my name out loud.  Do you suppose I would come running?  Do you suppose I'd come at all?  I suppose I would.

Sleep, I'll get to see friends tomorrow, it's so weird to go a whole day and not see someone that I'm close to, is it only me who feels like every day is a year and a million things change each time the sun arcs?  It's like you wake up and live a whole life between nights and everything is soluable, subject to mixing and melting. 

*This is the same entry as the previous.
 
 
 
Cassia Scarborough
25 January 2009 @ 05:50 pm
I have never in my life been so tired as I was in the car last night on the way to San Jose.*  I spent the night at Cam's and managed to be sick for most of it, whoo hoo, dehydration probably, and then the next night is a complete blank, but for some very important reason I didn't fall asleep until 2.  Up around five and at work by six thirty,  I swear I downed caramel macchiatos and iced white chai and extra large black coffee like my life depended on it.  Planned on napping for my lunch break but naturally that was when the weak tea sky brewed into a storm and I sat at the coffee bar with a paperback, eyes goin all blurry every few paragraphs.  Got off work in time to catch a bus to Santa Cruz and meet Renna and Faye.  I forget how much I put on the gift card I gave Ren for her birthday, but now she can get coffee from Lulu's for a nice long time.  Yum coffee. By now I have a headache from too much caffiene, too little sleep and I'm feeling sick again.  But the rain is soft and Renna looks so damn pretty all made up and with laced boots it's just unfair.

Speaking of coffee:  Today's experiment gone right.

Iced Caramel White Mocha Chai

Fill cup 2/3 with ice
steam a little chai, mix ghiradelli's white chocolate mix in with hot chai
pour milk into glass leaving about an inch of space
pour hot chai/chocolate and cold chai to top of glass
draw a crosshatch pattern on top with caramel the way you'd do with a Starbuck's Caramel Macchiato

The white chai is just a few shades darker than the the milk and looks like smoke and floats on top for the most part, the caramel is darker than the chai or the milk and drizzles along the insides of the cup.  Could use chocolate syrup instead of caramel for a more dramatic effect, I just was in a strange caramely mood this afternoon.


Back to yesterday.

Faye got Ren a hotel room at the Dream Inn where they had a hot tub and swimming pool and balcony and all that jazz, invited a couple people and because that just was not enough we all went ice skating as well.   I fell asleep in the car to and from San Jose, almost felt bad for Faye's legs but she made such a good pillow.  On the rink Ren and I played a game where we looked for the most attractive men and competed to see who could bump into them first, of course while making it look like an accident.  "Ooooops, just learnin how to skate, teehee, sorrrrry." 

And then the next morning, about oh, four hours after hitting my bed, up for work again.

Kill me?

I love my job, and once I got there I settled into the place again, hung out with customers, drank coffee, made slightly discombobulated jokes.  The rain was perfect this afternoon when I got off.  Warm and more a heavy mist than rain, although one of my customers saw me walking by the horses and stopped on his bike to offer his jacket.  I declined, but it was a sweet gesture.  If I'd had more time I would have gone for a walk at Henry Cowell, but in the end livejournal, a warm shower and bed won out, even over partying with Cam and Co.  Seriously, I think the reader can get a feel for just how EXHAUSTED I am that I passed up a party.

*That's a lie. 

 
 
Cassia Scarborough
22 January 2009 @ 06:45 pm
Current Favorite Songs::
Madeline Adams

shoot a squirrel and baby girl don't even know her father
sent her away on the fifth of may to a steamboat in the water
i loved her well but i'm going to hell
and she won't know its fires
when i'm away she'll dine in Maine on bloody mary's and lobster
the day i die, well by that time
she will be a woman
she won't know me but her love's at sea
with a steamboat captain husband
i can't sleep at night oh she's wonderin' why
she don't know her father
i tell her she born when the beauty of the sun
fell into the water
when she dies why the wings won't fly her
all the way to jesus
her soul will lay and move with the waves
oh the devil told me all his secrets
------------------------------------------------------------
jump for the water
i was on the harbor
and he's sailing,
he's sailing away
left her for dead
i guess it's for the best
cause she sure felt gone today
decapitated everything he hated
and he's sailing, he's sailing away
she's so gullible
fell for the joke
so she's quicker on the uptake
message in a bottle
the ink got muddled
and he's sailing, he's sailing away
lived without regrets
well who would have guessed
that she'd feel so ashamed
i saw the sails fly up but
i thought if i played pretend
close my eyes and eat the lies
then they'd go
the beach is pretty
the sand's a little gritty
but the sunsets sure are great
i'm a land lover and he lives for the water
i'm no stowaway
-----------------------------------------------------------




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Cassia Scarborough
22 January 2009 @ 06:08 pm
So tired.  So tired. SC Roasting called me for an interview, I guess I should go see what they pay and what hours they could offer me and what training.  I love Mountain Roasting but a second part time job wouldn't be horrible, I like being a workaholic, great way to deal with life.  My feet hurt so much and I am so sleepy right now though I'd probably slur my speech if I called the manager back so I'll call tomorrow morning.  Two jobs and a class and maybe volunteering at Sub Rosa if I can ever start hanging out there the way I want to, that sounds like a nice full schedule.  I want my knuckles to be raw and my feet to hurt and to be so tired at the end of every day that there is no time to think too hard about the fact that all I want is to stick out my thumb and see where the road takes me.  That's not happening right now.  I don't want to leave and I don't want to stay, so I'll just focus on work.

Downside to this plan:  I'm still too tired to work on a story.  For the millioneth day in a row.


love and you know, stuff.

cassia.
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Cassia Scarborough
21 January 2009 @ 09:46 pm

Jazzy Snazzy Adios

(written in portland)

Looking back, over the life I have led,

Leads me to think, that it isn't half bad,

to lay down alone, when my bed ain't that big,

Eat the whole cake, or just share it friends.

Need no lover just to hold me back,

His arms sure are nice, but they no longer wrap,

around my waist, where's the longing we had?

So, goodbye passionate, and goodbye hate

goodbye jealousy, I would rather just date,

Maybe a moment, I'm goanna cling on,

One more month then, oh baby, I'm gone.

(actually, I clung on for three months after writing this.  Always the procrastinator.  The above is supposed to be sung in a jazzy snazzy sort of manner.  The below can be read as a poem or if you feel so inclined you could sing it in a day dreamy sort of way.  I was really into the sing song poetry a few months ago, can you tell?)


Practice Makes Perfect
(I write all my best love poetry when I am not in love)

all it takes to make me swoon
the sound of laughter in the noon
a flower's kiss against my cheek
I guarantee will make me think
I love you.

forget the dazzle smoke and mirrors
just hold me when I'm sick with tears
keep your arms around me when we dance
I promise this will make me chance and say
I love you.

a pair of lips become a kiss
the ups and downs turn into bliss
I cannot fight forever heart and so
with every beat of life believe the words
I love you.


Anyway, just wanted to share those with everyone, I don't think I have ever posted them online before.  Maybe this will inspire me to write something new

love and fire

cassia

PS.

Something New::

How to Make Glass

(it is almost as easy to shatter and the pieces can cut you.)

Love is not water or rain, not essential for being.
But it is sand that sifts through lightening,
made bright as polished crystal under pressure.
 

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